And Then A Smidgeon of Obama And Romney Humor Just For Good Measure

[Setting: Obama Campaign Headquarters]

Obama: This is outrageous. THIS is what it takes to get votes these days? Having some chumps make a stupid sign and spout sexist rhetoric?

Campaign Manager: Yes sir, Mr. Obama. Absolutely, yes sir.

Obama: And then her weak-sauce response! This kind of crap made me lose New Hampshire. We need to combat this.

Campaign Manager: I was thinking the same thing myself, sir. Oh yes, why certainly!

Obama: Listen, fool--at my next pep rally, I need you to pretend to be a racist heckler in the crowd. Got it? Make an offensive sign, wear a white hood--I don't care what you do, just go and say whatever offensive things come to mind.

Campaign Manager: I am absolutely positive that this is a good idea, sir. Thank you for thinking of it.

Obama: You'll say something racist, the audience boos, and then I'll say something clever like "welcome to the 1950's!" and then the audience will chuckle and then I will be a hero and win the sympathy vote. It's perfect!

Campaign Manager: You stole the words right out of my mouth! It's perfect!

[Later, at the next scheduled public appearance.]

Obama: ...and that's why we need change in the White House!

[Audience cheers.]

Campaign Manager: Boooooo! I don't like the color of this guy's skin! Boooooo!

[Holds up a sign that says "White House, Not Black House".]

Audience Member: Oh my gosh, that guy is a racist! Get him!

[Campaign Manager gets mobbed.]

Obama: Wait, wait! I have something clever to say about his outdated attitudes!

[Crowd doesn't listen and continues to beat the Campaign Manager to death.]

Obama: ...well thanks a lot you freaking idiots. You just killed my campaign manager. Way to go. You've ruined my campaign. Idiots.

----------------------------------

[Meanwhile, in Mitt Romney's campaign headquarters(undoubtedly located inside of the Salt Lake City Mormon Temple)...]

Romney: Unbelievable! Are you telling me all it takes is a bigot heckler to garner sympathy votes to win an election? Why the heck didn't we think of this before?

Campaign Manager: Yes sir, Mr. Romney sir.

Romney: Listen, Campaign Manager. I want you to pose as an anti-mormon protester and heckle me during my next speech. Then I'll come back with something clever like "My friend, I respect your viewpoint but I believe that the constitution specifically forbids having a religious test for candidacy of office!" and then the audience will respond with a smattering of applause and then my beautiful Hollywood-esque face will be displayed all over Fox News as they show how I can stand in the face of bigotry and still be presidential. Got it?

Campaign Manager: You are as brilliant as you are handsome, sir.

[Later, at the next campaign speech.]

Romney: ...and that's why we need change in the White House! Thank you!

[Crowd cheers.]

Campaign Manager: Booooooo! Get this guy off the stage! He worships satan! Mormons worship Satan!

[Silence from audience.]

Audience member: ...is that true?

Romney: ...um...well...no! Of course not.

[Audience murmurs, as if they aren't quite sure...but then slowly they change to a collective murmur of approval.]

Romney: *wipes brow with hankerchief* Whew.

Campaign Manager: ...he's lying!

[Audience starts murmuring again.]

Audience Member: I don't know if I can vote for this guy...

[Rest of audience murmurs in agreement.]

Romney: No, wait! Come on, guys!

[Crowd begins to leave.]

Romney: Don't leave! What if I provide some non-denominational pro-faith soundbites? Come on! Don't do this, people! "Without faith, we have nothing!" Eh? Come on!

[Auditorium is now empty, except for Romney and the campaign manager.]

Campaign Manager: Great speech, Mr. Romney! This should give you a real boost in the key early-state polls!

The End

[And now I'm done doing political humor. Sorry if it was boring. I'll never do it again.]

How Hilary Clinton Can Appeal To Female Voters

Has anyone been following politics?

*chirp chirp*

...no? Yeah, neither have I. But I've been following the cartoons in the political section of the newspaper. (Cartoons are my only source of news.) And let me tell you, we have a wild one on our hands, folks! Blacks versus females, Mormons versus Huckabees, cats versus dogs and who knows what else will happen?

Apparently Hilary Clinton was doing really well, but then people figured out that she's tough and bossy and not attractive like other women you know. So then Obama rose to the top. But then! But then Hilary cried on national television! And females everywhere said "awww...she cries just like I cry! I can relate to her, being a female. I will vote for her."

So now Hilary is doing well again, because she struck a cord with the female voting audience. Good for her!

But this race ain't over, folks, nosiree, it ain't over by a long shot! If Hilary is going to pull this thing out, she's going to have to continue to court to female voters. "Pull this thing out"? That's what SHE said!

*chirp chirp*

...seriously, who keeps chirping? Cut it out. It's obnoxious.

So how exactly is Hilary going to reach out to female voters? Here's how:

How Hilary Clinton Can Appeal To Female Voters

1. Respond to all attacks during a debate by menstruating on stage.

2. Have a baby. She can point out that she respects the right to choose, but that she is going to CHOOSE to keep the baby and raise it on her own. It will be both empowering and PC.

3. Give away a car and a copy of her book to each audience member.

4. Dump a nice nerdy guy so that she can go out with some obnoxious rednecky guy who will end up cheating on her.

5. Talk about how she's fat and wishes she could look thin and beautiful like John Edwards.

6. If John Edwards comes back with "yeah right, honey--have you seen me in a swimsuit lately?", respond with "no, no, seriously, you look great!". (Sincerity is key, here. If she looks like she's being catty, or if it looks like she's just fishing for a compliment herself, it could spell the end of the campaign for her.)

7. Look lost and confused when people start talking about politics. Try to steer the conversation to shopping or boys.

8. Get a tattoo to get back at over-controlling father, and then regret it.

9. Spend at least three hours getting ready for a simple press conference. Hilary, this conference is only going to last a half hour and only the Rhode Island press is going to see it. You don't need to spend this much time putting on make-up. Can we please just hurry up and go? Please, we're late and I still need to take a shower. Can you please come out of the bathroom now?

10. PILLOW FIGHT!!!

How To Get Rid Of Illegal Immigrants

Has anyone been following the news? I'll be honest: I haven't. I just kinda skim the headlines and pictures, every once in a while. I'm too lazy to read the articles. That's right, teenage boys--your Maxim is like my News.

So while I'm not 100% sure what the deal is, from what I can gather, this nation is experiencing an epidemic. An ethnic-demic, if you will.

Mexicans. They're everywhere, and nobody in the country knows what to do with them. The worst part is that they're illegal. They're not your normal ordinary hard-working Mexicans, like ABC's George Lopez. These are ILLEGAL Mexicans. They come into our country, and steal our jobs. Ok, well maybe they don't steal OUR jobs. But maybe our teenagers' jobs? Or our retired grandparents who can't make ends meet on their fixed income so they have to take up jobs as fry cooks at Wendy's's jobs?

At the very least, they're stealing the jobs of real genuine LEGAL Mexicans who can only find minimum wage landscaping jobs due to the thick language barrier.

Also, they're completely exhausting our nation's supply of crappy used cars! It's an outrage, I say. And all those fatcats in the Whitehouse can do is sit around with their thumbs up their cabeese(you know...caboose, but plural...) and say "well should we kick them all out for being illegal, or should we make them citizens and tax them? Dum dee dum dee dum...".

I say, enough! If these Mexicans want to be citizens, then stand in line and become one. Apply for a Visa card, it's not that difficult! Heck, I get junk mail saying I'm approved for them all the time, and I'm not even foreign! If these illegal immigrants spent half as much time becoming a citizen as they do protesting against being deported, they would already be citizens by now!

We need to get rid of these loafers. It won't be easy--but when push comes to shove, Americans are smarter than Mexicans. (Ok, that's not true. I just said that to offend people. I'm sorry.) But if we all work together, we'll be able to pull it off. Here are just a few ideas:

1. You know that sign on the Mexico/America border? The one that says "Welcome To America!" on the Mexican side, and "Now Entering Mexico." on the American side? Just turn it around! Now, whenever the Mexicans try to sneak over the border, they'll see the sign and be like "wait, what? I guess we're already in America? Ok guys, let's turn around and go back home."

In addition, it's possible that there will be some illegal Mexicans who live in the south end of Texas who will see the sign and think "oh crap, we came to the wrong country!" and go back.

2. Make America really boring. What you all have to realize is that Mexico is like America's little brother, who wants to be just like him. Remember when your little brother would want to play with one of your toys, so you had to act like it was boring? "Man, this G.I. Joe figure is stupid. All it does is sit here. This sucks, I think I'm going to go read a book or do homework." And then once he got the idea and left, you'd play with it again?

Same situation. We just need to round up some volunteers to sit around near the border and bad-mouth America until the Mexicans leave. "America is WEAK, dude. I thought it was supposed to be free, but it's not. Censorship still exists to a degree, and you have to pay taxes. And look, the land is exactly like the land in Mexico. Same dirt, same grass; everything. I don't know why I came over here, this is stupid."

If it doesn't work, and they still come into America, we'll go to plan B: we'll go onto Mexico's land, and act like it's awesome. "Oh no way, this is amazing, yo! This Mexican land is the best land I've ever stood on! Oh man, it's so comfortable! And the air smells better! What is that, over there, a taco hut? I love tacos!! This is awesome!!" After a few minutes the Mexicans will come back.

3. This one is a bit ridiculous, but I think it could work if everybody cooperates. We take Texas, Arizona, California, and all of those other border states, and declare it all a part of Mexico. The illegal immigrants there will go crazy, and frantically try to migrate north. So then we'll just declare THOSE states as part of Mexico too. Repeat the process until they all end up in Washington state. Declare Washington state a part of Mexico; then they will either go up through Canada, or swim to Alaska and drown. Either way, they're no longer our problem, so we can just change all of the states back to their original names and be done with it.

4. Education. Seriously. The best way to help people is to educate them. A lot of these Mexicans are coming to America because "it's free".

Back when America was first starting out, the fact that it was free was an incredibly effective marketing gimmick to get new citizens into the country. It was bold and it was innovative. Since then, however, most other countries have become free as well. Canada, Switzerland, Denmark, and yes, even Mexico are now free. Crap, even England is free, and they're the ones we were trying to get away from in the first place!

"Free" is nothing new, and certainly not the amazing new feature that some immigrants think it is. If we distribute flyers, informing them that there's not much you can do in America that you can't do in Mexico, they may want to save on travel costs and just stay home.

Otherwise, we'll set up a series of big human-sized mousetraps, with boxes on them that say "Freedom". Or "Welfare" or "Jobs" or "Citizenship for Your Children". As soon as the Mexicans get close, wham!. The only way this wouldn't work is if they're fast enough to grab the box and run away before the trap is sprung, like Speedy Gonzolas does. But I think that cartoon is just a stereotype. No way are all Mexicans that fast. No freaking way.

5. Make them all legal citizens, but then lower the minimum wage to whatever they were making before they were citizens. That way they really get no benefits, but now they have most of their money going to taxes, and they have to fill out a bunch of ridiculous paperwork whenever they get hired for a job.

Come on, people. We are Americans, not American'ts! (Not like those Mexicans, who are in actuality Mexican'ts)

Stop whining about these Mexicans and DO SOMETHING!

[P.S. I hate lame-ing up my blog posts by including disclaimers, but I feel like it's appropriate to add a "I'm just busting your balls, Mexico. I'm politicaly neutral on the immigration subject so don't take any of my ranting seriously. Unless you're one of those murderous drug-dealing mexicans illegals. Then I'm serious. You scum.

...unless you're a drug-dealing mexican who knows where I live. Then I was just kidding again. ]

Local Politics

Today is election day. Yes!

I think I might still technically be a registered voter. But not in the county where I currently live. So I can't vote today, unless I want to drive 45 minutes to my previous registered voting location. Maybe I'd do that for a president, but for crummy local elections? No freaking way.

When I drive around, I see all kinds of signs for people running for local office. "Vote so-and-so for Circuit Court Clerk". "Whats-his-face for delegate!". I'm serious, I think I really did see a sign for somebody running for "delegate". Can anybody tell me what a delegate is? I honestly had no idea it was a real office. I figured it was just a generic term for any elected office. "I'm tired of these fat-cat delegates in Washington telling me that I have to pay sales tax!" If "delegate" is a real office, then there's no way they actually do anything. I bet if I wrote to my local delegate asking "what exactly do you DO all day?" he'd get nervous, tug at his collar while he struggles to come up with an answer, and then he'd jump out of a window.

Don't even get me started on circuit court clerks. How important can they possibly be?

I'm also skeptical of sheriffs. Here in my current home town of White Trash, Virginia, the biggest and most heated campaign battle is for Sheriff. People in my neighborhood have signs everywhere telling everyone else who to vote for. One guy had no less than 16 signs that said "Vote Lippa for Sheriff". I wasn't convinced at sign number 15. Luckily he had that 16th sign which convinced me that Lippa is qualified.

For the life of me, I can't figure out why they care. I wish I could gather them all up and tell them:

"Fellow White Trashians! Do you not understand what times we live in? This is 2007! It's almost 2008. This isn't the 1800's, guys. And we live in Virginia, not Texas! This isn't the wild west anymore. It doesn't really matter WHO our sheriff is. He's not going to protect the town from bandits. He's just going to fill out paperwork, and stuff. And maybe yell at one of the rookie cops for not going by the book."

Although, it would be pretty cool if the two candidates had a good old fashioned gun fight to see who becomes Sheriff.

I think my favorite local election signs are the ones that list their party affiliation. "Vote This Guy, Republican, For Supervisor!". I can just imagine partisan idiots in my town saying "nuh-uh, no way am I voting for a democrat for Supervisor. You think I want gay marriage in MY town?". Or "no, don't let the Republicans take back the Commonwealth Attorney's office! Those SOBs are gonna outlaw abortions again!"

Stop acting like local elections matter, you idiots!

The worst part about all this is how slow people are to take down their signs after the election. I'll still have to look at these millions of signs for months to come. And what about the people who actually have bumper stickers? They aren't going anywhere. Bumper stickers are impossible to peel off. I still see people with Kerry/Edwards stickers and Bush/Cheney stickers. Frankly, I'm not sure which one is more embarassing.

One time I even saw somebody with a Dukakis sticker. I wonder if I'll still see people with "Lippa for Sheriff" stickers in 20 years? Having Michael Dukakis on your car bumper is pretty embarassing, but at least some people still know who he is. Who the F is Sheriff Lippa? Nobody, that's who!

Job Interviews

[Posted by Jeff]

I hate job interviews. For one thing, I have to dress nice. And let's face it: to dress nice is to dress like a douche. Look at me, ladies. I'm just not "suit and tie" material. I feel like a douche and I look like one, too. I'm surprised that God doesn't see me at church every Sunday and smite me for looking like such a douche.

Also, when I dress up like that, I always feel the need to put on cologne. Except I don't own any cologne, so I end up putting on my wife's perfume when she's not looking. I always convince myself that nobody can tell the difference between perfume and cologne, but then I start to doubt myself immediately after putting it on. So I spend the rest of the day feeling self-conscious because I smell like a female, and I'm afraid potential-employers will pick up on my womanly scent. Instead of spraying myself with perfume, I might as well just spray myself with a bottle of Summer's Eve. Spray it all over my body like a tired boxer trying to cool himself off with water.

Those are small reasons why I hate job interviews. But in all honesty, it's more than having to look good and failing, and it's more than having to smell good and failing. I just hate the whole "feel" of job interviews. It's the whole idea of putting on a show. I hate the whole idea of walking into a room and trying to convince a stranger that I'm "the best". Because you know what? I'm not even sure if I am the best.

Some people would call that "lack of confidence". I like to call it "open minded". I don't think I'm not confident. I'm very confident. I'm confident that I could do pretty much any job I try for. I consider myself extremely competent, and I'm a fast learner. But despite this confidence, I am fatally open-minded. I can't walk into an interview and tell someone that I'm the best candidate, because who knows? I might not be. What if somebody more qualified is competing for this job? I'm not going to lie and say I am better than them.

It doesn't matter what job it is. If I'm applying to become a burger flipper, and they ask me why I feel I'm the best candidate for the job, I would still have to be honest. What if, by chance, an out-of-work expert juggler decided to apply for the same job? He could probably flip like five burgers in the air at one time. I know that the chances of a professional juggler deciding to work the graveyard shift at McDonalds are pretty slim, but I can't completely ignore the possibility.

I'm nice. I'm adequate. But I'm not a juggler. And I'm not a rocket scientist. And competing job applicants could be either one. No matter how good I am at something, I can never ignore the possibility of there being somebody better than me.

So that's me, in a nutshell. I just don't have the "personality" fit for job interviews. I'm not brash, and I'm not cocky, and I'm not dishonest. I'm simply quiet and competent. Give me a job, and I will do it and I won't cause any problems. I just can't walk into a room and pump it up full of energy and totally take over a conversation and make people think "wow, did you see that guy? That guy said he could increase our stock by $28 per share! And he's only applying to become the janitor! Hire him immediately!"

Do you know what I need? An agent. Like an actor, or a sports star. I need a "shark". Somebody who can come in, and ace the interview for me. Somebody who can grab my potential-new-boss by the collar and say "listen here, A-hole! If you don't hire Jeff for this job, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. I've already got offers from Sprint, Google, and General Motors. They know he's management material, and they're willing to pay six-figures. If you don't match tha deal, we're walking. F--- you, we're walking. You wanna play games? Hire somebody else. Jeff is for real. You take us seriously or we're F---ing walking out. Now quit wasting our time and give me an offer we can deal with."

Agents get a bad rap, because they take 10% of peoples' income and basically do nothing. The sad irony of it all, is that agents typically only represent people who don't need agents. Seriously, if you're an actor, why do you need an agent? You're an actor, man! You're already a "talker". You already know how to walk into a room and just take over. You already know how to BS your way into landing a great job with high pay. Same with sports stars. Do you really think Terell Owens needs an agent? Does he seriously need to pay millions of dollars so some OTHER guy can point out how great he is? Is he really too timid to tell potential employers that he's "the best"? Get real.

These people don't need agents. They're already confident enough to talk their way into a job. Agents are really needed by people like me--pale flabby guys with no experience who just want to land a job without having to go through the painful process of interacting with other human beings.

Giving away 10% of my income to a complete jerk would be pretty tough to take, but it's still worth not having to sit through interviews. Plus it would be good to have somebody negotiate salary for me, since my normal strategy is to offer "base starting salary, minus 5%" right off the bat.

The only way I would be able to successfully get through the job interview process is if they made the format more like a presidential election. Think about it--presidential candidates compete against each other for a job, just like we do. They still have to go through that "look at me, I'm perfect!" act for as long as it takes to get the job--and then they become complete imbeciles once they get into office. "Um, what do I do again? I thought I was going to get six weeks paid training. Wait, are you sure I have to sign this bill? I don't remember that being in the job description that you posted on monster.com..."

The key difference between "private sector" hiring protocol and presidential elections is that presidential candidates actually know who their opponents are. So instead of BSing about how they are the most qualified candidate for the job, they get to spend all of their time pointing out flaws in their competitors. This would be perfect for me. I might not be confident in my own abilities, but I sure as heck know how much everybody else in this world sucks. I might suck, but I don't suck nearly as much as 98% of the rest of humanity.

I'd love to be able to walk into a job interview and start talking about everybody else who has applied for the job. I would get grainy, pixellated photos of all of the other job applicants, so the interviewer knows they're evil. And then I'd go into my "scary political ad announcer" voice:

"John Finkelstein is applying to become Sales Coordinator at Oreck's. But what do we really know about John? [Dun dun dunnnn...]

John began his career as a salesman at Carmax, selling lemons [lemons!] to the poor working class.

[lemons!]

John left Carmax... [quitter!]

[quitter!]

...to become the shift manager at Petsmart. When asked in his job interview why he was applying at Petsmart, he stated:

[Just wanted to get out of sales???]

If you want to get out of sales, John, then why are you now applying for Sales Coordinator at Oreck's? What does John Finkelstein really stand for? What else don't we know about John Finkelstein?



Do you really want John Finkelstein around your children?

......



Vote Jeff for Sales Coordinator. I'm Jeff and I approved this message. Thank you."

computer president '80

(by Andy)

Damn you, Jeff. Well before you wrote your political stuff, I was gonna write something about how a computer president would totally solve all the political problems in this country and compare him to politicians. I guess there's room for 2 (but no more) people to talk about politics.

So I've been pushing this "computer president" idea since probably about 2000 and I think it's finally starting to gather steam. Initially, people were skeptical because they say that computers can't love and couldn't process all the various important intricacies of the human condition but then I explained to them that the computer would have a special baby kissing apparatus (so it could love babies) and it would be like a very, very big computer (so it could deal with all the intricacies).

Another argument people always made was that we understand how people think but not how a computer thinks. But I barely understand what George W. Bush is saying let alone thinking, if he is thinking at all (zing!). And we would build the computer president ourselves so we would understand what he was thinking (sorry a female computer president could never get elected presdient, they're too emotional). Think of it this way, which do we understand better, Jefferson or the robotic Jefferson they have at Disney World? Probably the Robotic Jefferson, and Robotic Jefferson would probably not impregnate nearly as many slaves as Jefferson did.

And think of the press conferences:

Press: Mr. Computer president, what are your views on abortion?

CP: 1, sometimes 0 depending on input 1's and 0's.

People are also afraid that a computer president could be hacked. But people can be hacked too, and much more easily than computers. Here's how:

Guy: Hey, will you starve some poor people so that me and my pals can ride jet skis?

President: That would be immoral.

Guy: Oh o.k., well here are some monies and blow jobs.

President: I decree jet skis for fat cats and the end of the dollar menu!

To hack a computer, you have to access the mainframe and we would only allow people who pressed the escape key several times and then solve some sort of riddle to do that.

Finally, there is the most difficultish, problem for any computer president: divide by zero. See, when computers divide by zero, they go crazy and do everything in their power to take over the world. The solution would be to have a computer vice president that would divide by zero any time the computer president divided by zero. That way the computer president would know that if he ever divided by zero he would have to go toe-to-toe with the computer vice president for world domination. Surely such a battle could only result in mutually assured destruction so the computer president would know never to divide by zero because computers are logical like that. Alternatively, we could just have the computer president play itself in tic-tac-toe a lot.

In short, none of the objections to computer president hold any weight. I'm planning on making some "Computer President in 2080" shirts. 2080 is just a guess because the computer president party will be run by a computer that will set logical goals for a computer president getting elected. Also, I'm not sure if 2080 is an election year but once the time is right for computer president, the time is right.

Please let me know if you want a shirt.

I Fully Support Mitt Romney In The Republican Primaries--And Other Political Observation-things

(by Jeff)

I suck at knowing things about politics. I never know what stance to take. A lot of people use this fact as evidence that I am an idiot. "You're an idiot if you can't take the time to research the issues", people tell me.

I want to make an appeal, however. It's not so much that I'm too lazy or stupid to look up the facts. I just get pissed off over how divided people get over such simple-sounding issues. For instance, take stem cells...please!

...

So there's one camp, who says that stem cell research is great for the medical community and will cure all sorts of diseases. (Except for homosexuality which apparently isn't a disease--??? Can someone back me up on this?)

They say that stem cells are SO awesome that they could even potentially bring Christopher Reeve back to life and give him the ability to walk again.

"Wow, that's great!" I say. The last Superman movie sucked. I'm not saying it's ONLY because Christopher Reeve wasn't in it, but heck, having him back would surely be a step in the right direction. "So what are we waiting for? Let's get this stem cell research bill approved!"

And then the anti-stem cell camp chimes in. "Wait wait! Before we approve this bill, I think there's something that everybody should be aware of. The only way to obtain stem cells is to KILL BABIES!"

Well crap--I should have realized there was a catch. I like Christopher Reeve and all, but is it worth giving up something as cute a baby? I mean, shoot--Superman III and IV weren't that great either. Maybe a good Superman flick has less to do with the actors and more to do with having a decent script.

So now we have the ultimate showdown. Which would I rather keep? My baby? Or Christopher Reeve? I'd have to go with my baby, personally.

But then the pro-stem cell camp chimes in again. "These people are nuts! We don't have to kill babies! Stem cells are secreted by babies when they are truly happy. All we have to do to get stem cells is make babies smile."

"Gee, that sounds easy and safe." I say. "Where's my ballot again? Let me vote for this stem cell bill."

"No! Stop! They're lying! Babies will be killed!" the other camp continues.

Seriously, who am I supposed to trust? "Researching the issues" just brings me a million different sources that argue with each other. Either stem cells are great and don't kill babies, or stem cells are ok but kill babies. Which one is right, and how do I know for sure?

It just seems like such a simple issue. If stem cells are awesome, let's use them. If not, then let's not. Why argue about it? The arguing just confuses me. So then when I go to vote on whether or not we should be using stem cells, I have no idea what to vote for. Can't the ballot just have a "yes, if" or "no, unless" option? All I need is an option that says "yes, as long as babies aren't killed" and I will vote for just about anything. But those fat-cats in Washington will never give us John Q. Taxpayers that option. Sickening!

And then when I say "you know what? I've had enough. I just won't vote. I abstain from picking a viewpoint on this issue", people criticize me for not researching the facts and being too self-centered to care about the issues of the world.

How would you feel if you went to Wendy's and were trying to decide between the (whisper) $2.99! (/whisper) value meal with the cheeseburger deluxe or the crispy chicken sandwich, and then two douche bags try to show you the pros and cons of each decision by contradicting each other and being jerks to one another?

"Dude, don't get the cheeseburger. It's high in fat, and not as filling as the chicken sandwich."

"Nope, he's wrong. The cheeseburger is practically fat free, and it's very tasty. The chicken sandwich is processed from the gross chicken parts, and it has way too much mayonnaise."

"Don't listen to him, he's in the beef industry's back pocket. The chicken sandwich is 100% premium chicken breast with no filler, and you can order it without mayonnaise, you just have to specify. It's not a big deal, the cashier is very accommodating. Just ask him and you'll see."

"No, he's wrong! The cashier can't speak English, anybody can plainly see that! You would have to be an idiot to believe these lies."

That doesn't put you in the mood for either one, does it? But then when you explain that it's really not worth all of this hassle and that you think you'll just go home and make leftover-ham sandwiches, they'll just make fun of you for being too lazy to research the issues, and they'll you'll look like a spineless twerp for not sticking to one position. What a raw deal.

So if any of that makes sense, then you'll understand why I hate politics. Although I like Mitt Romney, because he's mormon. I know almost nothing about him. I am willing to admit that I only like him because he's mormon. I know some of you might say "Jeff voting for him only because he's mormon is just as bad as those other people who don't vote for him only because he's mormon". That's true, but I justify it because I'm only one person, compared to like 50 million who won't vote just because he's mormon. At least I'm biased in a positive way. On a similar note, if Romney doesn't win his party's nomination and Obama does, then I will vote for Obama only because he is black. I'm just trying to fight negativity here, people.
While trying to make sense of this political race, I watched some of Mitt Romney's videos on youtube. They were awesome. I noticed on more than a few occasions, he'd tell the press that he's "not a politician" which is why he'd bring real change to Washington.

This is a pretty bold strategy, I do have to say. It's not very accurate, though, because I'm pretty sure he is a politician. I mean, the guy is governor of Massachusetts. I'm pretty freaking sure that counts as being a politician. And even if not, the fact that he is running for President now sort of qualifies him as a politician. I'm not sure what he's going for with this, but I'm hoping somebody else enters the race who genuinely isn't a politician.

Katie Couric: Today we have with us Bob Fredleson, who will be running for president. Mr. Fredleson, what makes you think you would be a great leader for this country?

Bob: Well, I'm not a politician, Kathy. I'm a construction worker. I work for my father-in-law, Roy.

Katie Couric: And what do you plan to do about the cost of health care?

Bob: I'm not sure, Kathy. That's not really the kind of stuff I deal with. I'm not a politician, and I'm not a bean-counter. I'm a construction worker. We might be able to build some new office suites for the government workers, but I don't know. I'll have to ask to Roy about that. We're pretty busy, here.

I may also steal this routine for my next job interview.

Interviewer: What makes you right for this job as Vice President of Pfizer?

Me: Well, I'm not a business man. I have absolutely no experience in the business world, and my parents never had any business sense. No formal education or anything. I'm not even sure why I'm here.

Interviewer: It sounds like you have some fresh new ideas. You're hired.

Really though, I think it would be kinda cool if President Bush became president again. Come on, I think he deserves another chance. Ok, really I'm just curious to see how pissed off people get. I know he's already served for eight years, but I'm sure we can work around it. Maybe he can have his wife run for President. Or maybe his dad can run again. I'm just thinking out loud, here.