Twist And Shout: The M. Night Shyamalan Story

So M. Night Shamaylan jerked off onto a movie projector the other night, and now movie theaters are letting you see it for only $9.50 per show. ($6.75 matinee.) I have no idea what the movie is about, and I don't really care.

See, as a movie geek, I don't care about what came out last week, and I certainly don't care about what's out now. I only care about movies currently in production that are scheduled to come out within the next two years. (For the record, Iron Man 2 and the Surf Ninjas remake are going to rock. my. freaking. socks.)

So screw whatever M. Night Shyamalon movie that just came out. I'm way more interested in the next M. Night Shamalyan movie. Luckily, spoilers have already leaked onto most major movie rumor sites. I'll give you a rundown:

Twist And Shout: The M. Night Shyamalan Story

That's right, M. Night Shaymlyan has written and is set to direct his very own biopic. I won't joke about how self-centered that sounds, because the early buzz on this film is incredible, and I mean incredible. I really should have bolded "incredible" the first time, it really would have saved words and made this paragraph a lot leaner. I'm sorry.

The film will depict many stories from Shalmyon's childhood, and show how events in his life influenced his career as a filmmaker. Really riveting stuff! Here are a couple of scenes:

Birth

[Int. Hospital - Mrs. Shyamalan lays on her deathbed.]

Mr. Shyamalan: Doctor, please level with me. My wife has been sick for nine months, now--first throwing up every morning, and now barely able to move. Is she going to be ok?

Doctor: I will level with you. We don't know what is making your wife so sick. We think her massive weight gain has something to do with it. Obesity can put strain on the heart and weaken the immune system. We can only guess that she has contracted some kind of virus.

[Mrs. Shyamalan screams in agony.]

Mr. Shyamalan: I've never heard her scream like this. Is she dying?

Doctor: Yes we believe she is dying. I will leave you alone while you make peace with her in her dying moments.

[Doctor leaves.]

Mr. Shyamalan: Wife, I know I have never been the best husband, but I have always loved y--

[Mrs. Shyamalan stops screaming. Instead, the sound of a baby is heard. Mr. Shyamalan looks down and finds a beautiful baby child.]

Mr. Shyamalan: My goodness! It's a baby!

Mrs. Shyamalan: So it turns out I was pregnant the entire time!

Mr. Shyamalan: This "illness" was nothing more than the miracle of life! What an incredible twist!

Mrs. Shyamalan: This baby is so beautiful. What shall we name him.

Mr. Shyamalan: We will name him "M".

[Mr. Shyamalan walks out of the room to get the doctor.]

Mr. Shyamalan: Doctor, we have incredible news! She is going to be ok! She just gave birth to a baby boy!

[Mr. Shyamalan is greeted by a completely empty hallway. No doctors, no nurses, nothing. He continues walking through the building, and eventually comes to an old security guard on patrol.]

Mr. Shyamalan: Where did the doctor go?

Security Guard: Doctor? Son, I'm sorry, you must be mistaken. This hospital building has been abandoned. There has not been a doctor in here for over 30 years.

Mr. Shyamalan: What the... That can't be! Then that means...the doctor I was talking to...it was...

[Pause.]

Mr. Shyamalan: ...a ghost?

Security Guard: What an incredible twist!

[The End.]

School

[Int. School - class is being dismissed, and M. Night is the last student to walk out of the room. He pauses at the doorway, and turns back to speak with his teacher.]

M. Night: Listen, Teacher. I gave you the best report of my life, and you gave it a D minus. Why would you do that?

Teacher: M, I am sorry, but your report was nonsense. I asked for a paper about religion and faith and you gave me this gobbledegook about aliens! I'm sorry, but it was pure garbage.

M. Night: It wasn't about aliens, you fool, it was about faith!

Teacher: ...um. No. Actually, it was about aliens.

M. Night: It was about religion!

Teacher: I am pretty sure it was about aliens.

[Teacher picks up M. Night's report and thumbs through it.]

Teacher: Yep, aliens. See? It even says "aliens" right here. Even the title says "Aliens, Aliens, Aliens: This Report Is About Aliens".

M. Night: Listen, you fool. You obviously didn't pay enough attention to the nuances of my report. The whole "aliens" is peripheral to my real point about faith. I demand that you re-read it and give me a better grade!

[M. Night angrily slams his report down on Teacher's desk. This causes a nearby cup of water to spill, soaking his report.]

M. Night: Noooooo! My report about aliens, I mean religion! It's ruined!

Teacher: Don't worry, M, it's only water. I'm sure it will dry out.

M. Night: No!

[M. Night starts to cry.]

M. Night: See? The ink is running! It's ruined! Water destroyed my report!

Teacher: Well that's stupid. You should have bought some better paper, or some less runny ink or something. You'd think if you went through all of this trouble, you'd make a report that wouldn't be destroyed by something as simple as water.

M. Night: Shut up. Just shut up.

Teacher: Roooooaaaaaar!!

M. Night: What the--!?? Teacher!? You're a bear!!!

Teacher: I have been a bear all along! Roaaarrr!

M. Night: This is quite a twist! But your criticisms will not keep me down! I will someday be a writer yet!

[The End.]

And that's about all I have. There's another scene where his parents lie to him and tell him it's 1987 when really it's 1988, but that one is pretty lame.

I can't wait for it to come out! Except by the time it finally comes out, I will be tired of it and I'll want the next movie.

Bring on Harry Potter 7!

If These Walls Could Talk

Hey look, it's a post! And a video, too! I haven't done either in quite a while.

It's been a rough month or so. I had to move, and I hate moving. And then when I made this video blog, my camera died on me. (I ended up using my cell phone's camera as a backup, which explains why some of the footage is even crappier than normal.)

Shooting this video was very emotional for me. It was my way of saying goodbye to my house. Try not to shed too many tears.

The Silent Phone / Cell Phone Cartoon Duel

[Posted by Jeff]

For those of you new to the site, this whole thing started off as one big competition. The idea was that every week, me and my three-or-four friends would post some sort of comedy entry, and then the world would vote on the funniest person. The idea fell apart pretty quickly because my friends are too lazy to write anything on a weekly basis, and because I'm too lazy to maintain any kind of website(I'm even too lazy to fix my blog's formatting issues even though everybody's told me to fix it. It's pretty pathetic)...so it's sort of morphed into "Jeff's blog".

Still, every once in a while, a John Q. Casual member will officially challenge me to a duel. This week, Doug challenged me. His topic? "Cartoons about cell phones".

He went with the one-panel format:



Meanwhile, I went with a semi-animated youtube extravaganza called "The Silent Phone".



I think I won. But I'm an arrogant jerk and I say that every time I participate in a duel.

Don't forget, kids! I accept duel requests from all ages and backgrounds! If you would like to duel me, just post in the comments section of any of my blog posts. Be sure to include a specific topic, a deadline(usually a week's notice is good), and then later provide me your entry(or a link so that I can link to it from my blog). If you're serious about it, I'll even make an official poll. (Today's poll was just for fun, so I didn't set up a poll.)

What are you, scared?

Household Pet Assassin

That last video blog kind of left a sour taste in my mouth, so I figured I'd make another one as soon as I could. I think this one is way better, but I could be wrong. (The response to the Creepy Guy video was surprisingly positive.) Let me know what you think.



I think this one is great because it doesn't have my annoying/dorky voice in it, plus it has Falco music. Holy crap do I love Falco.

Also, not to brag, but I do want to point out that this video looks almost exactly how I imagined it when the idea first popped into my head earlier this week. Definitely my best "directing" job so far. At least now, if people hate it, I can say it's because I have crappy ideas and not because I am crappy at communicating my ideas onto video.

Creepy Guy's Guide To Getting Girls

Hey, look at that! Another video blog. This one didn't turn out as funny as I had initially imagined it, but be patient and there are a couple of ok-ish gags in there.

I plan on making more in the near future. Don't worry, they'll get better.

My 26th Birthday

[posted by Jeff]

For those of you keeping score at home, August 5th is my birthday. That's right--you forgot. Jerks. My birthday was awesome, though. Here are the highlights in video form:

I usually don't embed my videos, but I went for it this time. My videos are pretty infrequent anyway, so this blog shouldn't get too cluttered full of youtube images.

How To Make A Game Show

[posted by Jeff]

I made another video blog, y'all. It's "How To Make A Game Show" and goes through nearly all of the basic steps of making a modern-day hit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3x6qWLhjFU

Click on that to watch it over at youtube. Sorry, I'm too lazy to embed it. Since you have to click over to my youtube page, remember to leave a comment and/or rate the video. Those critics at youtube can be pretty harsh, so I appreciate any phony praise from friends that I can get.

I shot most of the video like three months ago, so I'm looking kind of fat. Look closely, and you might see Skinny Jeff towards the end of the video.

April Fools Gag Movie

This is Jeff. I made another video blog. I posted it on Youtube earlier in the week, but I've been too lazy to update the blog/website.

Here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=htBfKrABLkc

I was pretty happy with it, but it's getting slaughtered in the press! I'm getting so many negative reviews! Here, let me quote from the people who commented on my youtube page(spoilers!!!):

"are you retarded? you ordered 50 pizzas for him as a practical joke....and put it on YOUR OWN CREDIT CARD?? are you brain dead? the joke is on you dummy. "

"cool, but it would be way more interesting if you would record when he got his pizzas. "

"wtf??? y didnt we see it? thats a fricken waste of time"

"duh u just gave out your credit card number on the internet...ur reallll smart"

Yikes. I guess it's back to the drawing board!

Dora The Explorer For Slow Kids

New video up on the movies page. Also a new article(Childhood Urban Legends) up in the writing section. Well actually it's pretty old, if you've followed my myspace blog, but whatev's. That's right, I said whatev's!

Finally, be sure to check out the main/index/news page. I made it all new, and stuff. I thought there was too much boring text, so I gave it a new format. Perfect!

I wish I had more to say, but I'm tired. Are you even listening anymore?

Frugal Dad video

I posted a new video. It's called "Frugal Dad". It's kind of on the family-friendly side of things. Check it out in the "movies" section, or you can just click here and go directly to the youtube page for it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXjLhhvPwqI

You never comment on these blog entries, but that's ok. I still love you for reading them.