Expiration Date Guide

I was rummaging around in my car and I found a gallon of milk on the floor of the back seat(among other things).

As you can see, it expired on Christmas Eve. It's been sitting in my car for over a month. Surprisingly, it has not spoiled to the point where I can smell it inside the car.

I didn't throw it away. I think I am just going to let it ride and see what happens.

I know this is a crappy segue, but seeing expired milk that doesn't smell bad yet gave me an idea to write a handy guide regarding expiration labels. Here you go:

Expiration Date Guide

"Sell By" Date

The "sell by" date is often confused with the "use by" date. In actuality, the "sell by" date is simply a guideline for grocers to keep an item stocked on their shelves. If it's not sold by the date stamped on the carton, the product is replaced with something fresher. This doesn't necessarily mean that the product has spoiled. Milk, for instance, will typically will stay fresh for 5-7 days after the "sell by" date.

"Use By" Date

Much more straightforward, the "use by" date is the last day that the manufacturer can guarantee freshness. Although there still may be a 1-2 day period after the date printed where you can technically consume the product without getting sick, neither the manufacturer nor the retailer can guarantee freshness after this date. (This is also sometimes listed as a "Best Before" date.)

"Digest By" Date

This is the absolute latest date that the manufacturer recommends completing digestion of their product. Typically there will be no problems if you eat or drink it one night before the date printed on the label, but you may want to give it two days just in case of some unforseen intenstinal blockage.

"You Might Want To Disguise The Flavor With Some Chocolate Syrup On Or Around" Date

When using milk with a "You Might Want To Disguise The Flavor With Some Chocolate Syrup On Or Around" date, it's important to remember that the milk technically expires two or three days before the date printed on the label. If you reach the "chocolate milk" date and want to drink it plain or just use it for cereal, then you might as well throw it away. You will only enjoy this milk with a very heavy dose of flavored syrup. It also may work for baking.

"Don't Forget To Watch CSI On" Date

This date actually has nothing to do with the freshness of your milk, and is just a paid advertisement for CBS network encouraging viewers to watch the next episode of CSI.

"This Is Just Here To Confuse You" Date

This date has nothing to do with the freshness of your item, and sometimes is not even a date. Sometimes it will be a random string of letters and numbers, often containing a question mark. There's nothing else printed on the label, though, so you will sit there trying to decipher it, hoping in vain that you will be able to figure out when this food is supposed to expire.

Other times it will be a vague date like "07/07" where you're not sure if it expires on July 7th of this year or if it expired in the month of July in the year of 2007.

I hope this guide has been helpful for you. I'm sure you agree that it would be more convenient if there were a universal standard for dating milk cartons and other items, so that it's always clear when to use it and when to toss it. Unfortunately, there are just too many competing dairy providers, and at this point they just haven't come together to produce an industry standard.

Just pay attention to the labels, and remember: when in doubt, throw it out! Unless you have kids, because kids don't know the difference.

xoxoxoxo, Jeff

I Would Have So Many Mental Disorders If I Weren't So Lazy

For years, I have half-joked with my friends that I have OCD. I wash my hands about a thousand times a day. I freak out whenever I get dirty. Seeing things out of order bugs the heck out of me.

And yet, I never go to the next step. Yeah, I wash my hands a lot--but that's just because I pee a lot. If I ever get my hands dirty from non-bathroom related incidents, as much as it freaks me out, I just shrug my shoulders and think "well, I'll probably have to pee sometime in the next three minutes anyway. I'll just wait." If I see magazines out of order at the supermarket, I SO want to reorganize them. But I never do. "That's what they pay old people minimum wage for", I say. I'm too lazy to act on my obsessions.

So I've realized that I'm not OCD. I'm only OD. I'm obsessive, but not compulsive. And now that I think about it, I'm not sure if just being obsessive is even a disorder, so I might only be "O". How pathetic is that?

But this has gotten me thinking about all of the other mental disorders that I almost have. Doctors would diagnose me with so many different kinds of diseases if I just weren't so lazy. Especially since I'm too lazy to go to ever go to the doctor. I swear I think I'm a hypochondriac. I've counted at least five cases of cancer on my flabby ugly body, and then there's also ulcers that I think I may have and I also feel like my heart doesn't pump enough blood. I feel like I may die any second. But I haven't died yet, so I assume I'm a hypochondriac. But I don't think I can be diagnosed with hypochondriasis unless I actually go to the doctor to find out that I don't really have cancer/chronic flu/heart disease/explod-o-lungs/male pattern baldness/etc.

I'd also have ADD if I weren't so lazy. Or maybe ADHD. Whichever one is worse. When I watch TV, I can't focus on one show for more than five minutes. But I'm also too lazy to change the channel or read the TV listings. So I sit there and sort of half-watch Alton Brown on Food Network for six freaking hours. Alton, your food seems alright, and maybe you would be more interesting if I could actually fully pay attention--but when I'm just spacing out in front of the TV and all I see is you popping up at weird camera angles and jabbering like a lunatic, you just seem like a douche bag. Stop acting like you're cool.

Don't even get me started on all of the sleep disorders I'd have if I didn't spend half of each day sleeping.