Girls In Groups

Sometimes I get to thinking about girls, and I say to myself “boy…girls are stupid”. And then my inner conscience pipes up and tells me to stop thinking that way.

After all, I have a wife who is a girl, and many friends that are girls and even a mom that was a girl. They aren’t stupid. So when I think of girls in general, why do my thoughts initially drift towards how stupid they are and how much they suck?

After some soul searching, and watching more than my share of Oprah, I think I’ve finally found an answer. Girls are only stupid in groups. One-on-one interaction with girls is great! But add another girl to the mix and you’ll notice that the IQ automatically halves. Keep adding more girls, and the IQ drops even more.

Examples:

1 Girl: “Hmmm. I think I will get a PhD in Optical Physics today. I don’t have anything else planned, so why not.”

2 Girls: “Let’s go make unwise purchases together and then make catty remarks about our friends!”

3 Girls: “Alright, time to go to a club and act like sluts together! Oh, and let's be really really loud for no reason! And laugh at everything even though it’s not funny! Yes!”

Large Group Of Girls: “AHHHHH! WE’RE SEEING BO BICE IN CONCERT!!!! AHHHHHHH!!! HE LOOKED IN MY DIRECTION! I'M GOING TO SCREAM LIKE A MENTAL PATIENT AND MAYBE EVEN FAINT!!!!! THIS GUY IS ON TV AND NOW I AM SEEING HIM IN REAL LIFE FROM 200 YARDS AWAY OH MY GOSH THIS IS SO AMAZING!!!!!”

See?

In the interest of fairness, I continued to ponder this and I realized that men are stupid too. But men seem to be smarter in groups. Look at Nasa: mostly male, mostly brilliant. The Constitutional Convention? They weren't even trying, there! They were just a bunch of guys, hanging out, and all of a sudden they’re writing the Constitution!

Men are the opposite of women. Men are smart enough in groups, but get dumber the less of us there are.

Examples:

Large Group Of Guys: “Let's write the constitution!”

3 Guys: “Who’s up for a Dorito Eating Contest?”

2 Guys: “Wanna go get drunk and pee on the outside of a portojohn, and then tip the portojohn over and then pee on it again?”

1 Guy: ”Sure honey, I'll get married. What's that? You want me to wallpaper the entire house even though you’ve already made me paint it twice this month? And even though it’s a rental and we’ll be moving out in a week anyway? Sure honey, I guess I can do that...”

One guy alone can barely function. Sometimes I think about what life would be like if I lived alone. It’s not a pretty picture. The other day I wanted to go out, but I couldn’t find my one good pair of pants. These pants had my keys and my wallet and stuff in them. Eventually I asked Molly, and she found them on the floor, right where I had been looking all morning. If she hadn’t been there, I honestly think I could have stayed in the house indefinitely. I would have given up the search for pants and just stayed indoors all day until I ran out of food and starved to death.

Authorities would be baffled as to what happened. “The autopsy shows that he starved to death, but we found some pants right next to his dead body and they even had his keys and wallet in them and everything. We’re not sure why he didn’t just put them on and go out and buy more food.” Look, I couldn’t find my freaking pants, ok authorities? The pants are practically the same color as the carpet, so sue me! Stop making fun of me when I’m already dead!

After telling Molly about my “girls in groups are stupid/men alone are stupid” blog idea, she pointed out that men are stupid in large groups too(sporting events, videogame tournaments) so my observation breaks down if you think about it for more than five seconds.

Still, you can't disagree that history's greatest tragedies were all caused by groups of women conspiring together. The View, PETA, the death of violent Saturday morning cartoons, Volkswagens. All caused by groups of females. Think about it.

(I just recently learned that I’m going to be having a baby girl in September. I don’t want her growing up with any negative vibes coming from her father, so this will be the last bit of girl-bashing humor that I will ever write.)

How Hilary Clinton Can Appeal To Female Voters

Has anyone been following politics?

*chirp chirp*

...no? Yeah, neither have I. But I've been following the cartoons in the political section of the newspaper. (Cartoons are my only source of news.) And let me tell you, we have a wild one on our hands, folks! Blacks versus females, Mormons versus Huckabees, cats versus dogs and who knows what else will happen?

Apparently Hilary Clinton was doing really well, but then people figured out that she's tough and bossy and not attractive like other women you know. So then Obama rose to the top. But then! But then Hilary cried on national television! And females everywhere said "awww...she cries just like I cry! I can relate to her, being a female. I will vote for her."

So now Hilary is doing well again, because she struck a cord with the female voting audience. Good for her!

But this race ain't over, folks, nosiree, it ain't over by a long shot! If Hilary is going to pull this thing out, she's going to have to continue to court to female voters. "Pull this thing out"? That's what SHE said!

*chirp chirp*

...seriously, who keeps chirping? Cut it out. It's obnoxious.

So how exactly is Hilary going to reach out to female voters? Here's how:

How Hilary Clinton Can Appeal To Female Voters

1. Respond to all attacks during a debate by menstruating on stage.

2. Have a baby. She can point out that she respects the right to choose, but that she is going to CHOOSE to keep the baby and raise it on her own. It will be both empowering and PC.

3. Give away a car and a copy of her book to each audience member.

4. Dump a nice nerdy guy so that she can go out with some obnoxious rednecky guy who will end up cheating on her.

5. Talk about how she's fat and wishes she could look thin and beautiful like John Edwards.

6. If John Edwards comes back with "yeah right, honey--have you seen me in a swimsuit lately?", respond with "no, no, seriously, you look great!". (Sincerity is key, here. If she looks like she's being catty, or if it looks like she's just fishing for a compliment herself, it could spell the end of the campaign for her.)

7. Look lost and confused when people start talking about politics. Try to steer the conversation to shopping or boys.

8. Get a tattoo to get back at over-controlling father, and then regret it.

9. Spend at least three hours getting ready for a simple press conference. Hilary, this conference is only going to last a half hour and only the Rhode Island press is going to see it. You don't need to spend this much time putting on make-up. Can we please just hurry up and go? Please, we're late and I still need to take a shower. Can you please come out of the bathroom now?

10. PILLOW FIGHT!!!

Creepy Guy's Guide To Getting Girls

Hey, look at that! Another video blog. This one didn't turn out as funny as I had initially imagined it, but be patient and there are a couple of ok-ish gags in there.

I plan on making more in the near future. Don't worry, they'll get better.