Harrington Charged In Pencil-Fighting Case

Atlanta, GA - Mere months after the Vick scandal rocked Atlanta, more bad news is shaking up for the Falcons organization. Backup quarterback Joey Harrington, who had played much of the 2007 season in relief of former starter Michael Vick, has been brought up on charges of pencil-fighting.


File photo

In the 12 page indictment released today, authorities allege that pencils were procured, housed, and trained on property that Harrington owned, for the explicit purpose of fighting. The illegal pencil-fighting enterprise spanned multiple states. When first pressed by officials, Harrington denied any direct involvement, stating that family members were taking advantage of his generosity by using his Detroit, Michigan property for illegal enterprises. However, recent evidence indicates that he "knowingly sponsored and exhibited a pencil-fighting venture", which included gambling and animal torture. Officials report that Harrington even personally executed pencils after they failed to perform well in fights.

While most pencils were simply thrown away, several others were literally snapped in two before being discarded. At least one pencil was repeatedly ran through an electric pencil-sharpener until it became an unusable nub. In a gruesome scene, investigators found several discarded pencils underneath couch cushions and in junk drawers.

While the majority of pencils confiscated were standard yellow #2s, there were also an abundance of rare #1s and #3s, a few mechanical pencils(which are banned even in despicable South American countries where pencil-fights are legal), and one novelty giant-sized pencil that Harrington bought at a museum gift shop. Harrington's lawyer refused to comment on the allegations.

Although the accusations have been met with outrage across most of the country, some athletes have defended Harrington's actions. Creating even more controversy, quarterback Eli Manning has stated that pencil-fighting, while illegal, is simply a part of the "dorky-looking white guy" culture which is so prevalent in professional sports. "Nah, Joey's a good guy. He didn't intend anything malicious. This is just how he grew up. This is who he is."

Regardless, Harrington faces strict legal penalties, if convicted. Maximum punishment includes up to 3 days of lunch detention, a one-year suspension from the NFL, and a lifetime ban from the school store. More as it develops.

Diseases I Would Have If They Existed

Big-Play Paranoia

Sufferers of Big Play Paranoia (BPP) cannot leave the room during a football game for fear that they will miss a big play. Victims of this terrible disease are deluded into thinking that instant replays "just aren't the same".

People with Big Play Paranoia will often refuse to leave the living room even when their wife asks them to get them a soda, and will not change the channel to cartoons for their kids--even for just a few minutes during a commercial break.

Terrified that halftime will unexpectedly "end early for some reason", they will stay glued to the television even when the halftime show is really boring and frequently is interrupted by the local affiliate for a weather update. On the rare occassion that BPP's leave the room to use the bathroom, they will turn the volume up and then pee with the bathroom door wide open, craning their head to try and still hear what's going on. Even then, they will go as fast as they can, and then skip hand-washing because they swore they heard the game come back on. (But really it was just that Pepsi commercial with Tony Romo in it again.)

Last-To-Get-The-Clipboard-itus

I'm sitting in a meeting at work. Somebody's talking, but I can't hear what they're saying. They're too boring. I'm not going to pay attention to them. I'll doze off, or just imagine what the ugly lady sitting to my right looks like naked. I'm in my own little world, here. No complaints.

And then suddenly, I'm jerked out of my bubble by the edge of a flat wooden surface being jammed into my ribs.

Suddenly alert, I look around the room, hoping the speaker didn't ask me a question or otherwise call me out on not paying attention. Thankfully, nobody important seems to be staring at me. Just the ugly lady sitting to my right, who is now getting impatient. She raises her eyebrows and thrusts a clipboard in front of my face.

"Oh, right." I mumble and I take the clipboard from her hands.

"Uh oh." I think to myself. "What in the world is this?" It's a form with a bunch of blank spaces, and peoples' signatures in thrown in, seemingly at random. "...am I supposed to sign this? Or am I just passing it along?"

Not sure what to do, I draw a quick squiggly line in the middle of the page. If signing is optional, then nobody will recognize it as mine--but if signing is mandatory, I can later point at it and tell them that it was me, and that I did everything that was required. So now I'm ready to get rid of the stupid, confusing clipboard.

I'm sitting at the end of the row, so there's nobody to pass it to on my left. I try passing it forward, but the guy in front of me shakes his head no. I try passing it to the row behind me, but they all wave it away, saying they've already signed it. Crap. What the heck do I do now? I try to give it back to the ugly woman who gave it to me, but she just shoots me another angry look.

...what the heck am I supposed to do with this thing? Should I go give it to the speaker? I don't even know if they're the ones who passed it out in the first place. I have no idea what it is, or where it came from, or where it's supposed to go... This clipboard has absolutely no meaning to me, and yet I am now responsible for it! I can't take this kind of pressure! Arghhh!!!

This is what it's like to have Last-To-Get-The-Clipboard-itus. Other symptoms of LTGTC include:

* desperate look in your eyes
* confused whispering
* repeatedly asking "have you seen this yet?"
* looking around the room trying to find somebody who looks like they're not paying attention so that you can drop the clipboard next to them and then run away before they realize what's happened
* putting the clipboard down and then taking an extra-long bathroom break, hoping that whoever initiated the clipboard-passing will spot it and take it back before you return.

Home Video MADDness

You may suffer from Home Video MADDness if you find that you can't sit through any home videos with cute kids in it, because you keep expecting a "killed by a drunk driver" graphic to pop up on the screen, depressing you for days on end.

Due to being brainwashed by that agonizingly effective anti-drunk-driving ad campaign, HVM sufferers are mentally trained to anticipate depressing endings to cute home videos. Even if they are watching their own home videos, with their own kids whom they know are alive and well, they still cannot help but have tears well in their eyes and a lump in their throat as they think about how awful it is that a drunk driver would ruin such a wonderful young life. Such wasted potential. Such sadness...

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My name is Jeff Henry. I am 26 years old, and I have all of these diseases. Or I would, if they existed. Thank you.

Coors Light Band Petition

[Edit: Just in case you're wondering, YES...this is the same crappy petition that I bring out every year. People refuse to sign it, for some reason. But I'm hoping eventually I can get the signatures out to 100.

Also, I just got back from a fancy out-of-town to-do. So I haven't been posting much lately. But that will all soon change, I promise you.]

There's something crappy about football this year. I still watch it, and I still like it, but there's just something about it that makes me feel empty.

Is it because the Redskins lost last week? No...but that might be part of it. Is it because Tom Brady isn't as handsome as he used to be? No...he's as cute as ever, and I wish he would be friends with me.

No sir. The reason football hasn't been keeping my interest this year is because of one reason only: no Coors Light Band! Remember them? They were great! Arguably the greatest punk band ever!

Sure, I didn't like them at first. I looked at them as just a marketing gimmick. "Too much pop, not enough rock" I'd say! (I would then get a strong craving for pop rocks, but do nothing about it.) But then something happened. Something almost magical. They "gelled". Right before our ears, they went from gimmick to a band that you could really rock out to!

I...love...burritos at three A.M.
hanging with my friends
...and twins!

I...love...playing two hand touch
eating way too much
watching my team win...
... ...and... ....... ... and... ....
TWEE-YINS!

Here's to football!

You all remember that song, right? Of course you do! How can you not love those lyrics? They made me melt! My favorite is how they pause before the last "twins!". They know what they're going to say, and we know what they're going to say, and they KNOW we know what they're going to say. That's what makes it so fun when they stall, and act like they're not sure what they're going to say--and then they finally blurt it out, and we as an audience go nuts. TWEE-YINS!

And that lead singer! He had such an "edge" to his voice. He was the very definition of a punk rocker! He did Less Than Jake BETTER than Less Than Jake. He was MORE Than Jake! Tons more! If Coors Light hadn't already sponsored them, I'd name their band Kicks Jake's Scrawny Punk Behind!

But, like every other advertising icon that I've loved(The Noid, Bad Andy, Izuzu Joe twice, just for starters), they were dropped with no explanation. As far as I can tell, they don't even play together anymore. I never even got a chance to see one of their live shows! That's a tragedy if I've ever heard of one. I hear they played some of the best punk covers. If I told you they played "anything and everything", that would be an understatement! They've turned songs that have NOTHING TO DO with punk rock, like oldies...and they've turned them INTO PUNK ROCK SONGS! And somehow it still comes off sounding GREAT! Unheard of!

Coors Light were fools to get rid of these guys. Absolute FOOLS, you understand me? It's time to make Coors Light pay. We need to get noticed. We need to hit them where it counts! That's why I've created an internet petition.

http://www.petitiononline.com/coorband/

PLEASE sign it and have all of your friends and family sign it. You can even sign it with your friends and family members' names without their knowledge. Please show the world that you care about the Coors Light Band. Please tell the world that you care about rocking out.

Once we get 100 signatures, I am going to print it all out and personally mail it to Coors Light.

So please. If you care even a LITTLE about ANYTHING at ALL, please SIGN THIS PETITION PRONTO!!!

Candy Football: Redskins Vs. Eagles

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that every time I add something new to the website, I'll post about it in the blog.

The newest thingy is a candy art photo essay thingy. It's a football game, created with candy. Redskins Vs. Eagles. Very exciting. Check it out at http://www.johnqcasual.com/art.html.