By Jeff
[This month, the John Q Casual crew had another "blog competition". The topic was "Holiday Parties". Below is Jeff's entry.]
A couple of weeks ago my sister-in-law invited me to a Christmas party that she was having for her kids and all of her kids' friends. (Mostly 2-5 year olds) She also asked if I would dress up as Santa for them. It was pretty flattering that she thought I was fat and creepy enough to play Santa, but I had to decline.
The main reason why I didn't want to dress up as Santa is because there's no way I could pull it off. Kids would catch on so easily. My hunched posture is easy to spot no matter how many layers of velvety red clothing I have wrapped around me. If I pretend to be Santa, I will be ruining Christmas for so many children.
And then I realized that ruining the Santa fantasy might not be so bad. After all, one of my most traumatic childhood memories is finding out that Santa didn't exist at the tender age of 13 and a half. For so many years, my parents sat there with a straight face and said "yes" when I asked if Santa were real. To find out it was all a lie, just like professional wrestling and my parents' love for each other was a real kick to my undescended testicles.
So on the one hand, I don't want to have to put my kids through that whole trauma. But then on the other hand, I don't want to be one of those lame yuppy new-agey wussy parents who totally abandon the idea of Santa Claus either. And then on the third hand, wait holy crap I don't have three hands--what in the world is going on here???
So I think the best way to go about it is to act like Santa is real, but to do a really cruddy job of it. I started out small this year--for Elliot's presents, I wrote on the tags "From: Jef" and then traced over the J-e-f so as to make the 'J' look more like an 'S', the 'e' look like an 'a' and the 'f' look like an 'n', and then I finished it with "ta Claus". As if I had accidentally started with my name, but then caught my mistake and crudely traced over it to write Santa Claus.
This will really set things in motion. When Elliot saw the present, I could tell the seeds of doubt had been planted. He was thinking "wait, why doesn't Santa know how to spell his own name? Do you think? ...Nah, it was probably just one of his elves filling out the tag, to help Santa out. Everyone knows elves don't know how to spell. Then again...".
Next year I will take things a step further by making sure he accidentally sees me putting presents under the tree after bed-time on Christmas Eve. By the time he's three, we'll be able to provide closure by saying that even though Santa doesn't really fly around and give presents to everybody, the spirit of Saint Nicholas lives on, and that the true meaning of the holiday is Jesus and that we're not getting you presents this year because Daddy can't afford it.
I might also dress up as Santa for the next toddler-age-group Christmas party, and let my lousy acting skills do the work for me. I'll try to switch back and forth between characters, just like in a sitcom. ("What's that? You want to talk to Jeff? Ok--I, Santa, will go get him. Be right back!" / "Hi, I'm Jeff and I'm here! Oh crap, what's this beard still doing on?")
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Slight Bonus!
Holiday Party On A Budget
Want to throw a holiday bash but don't want to throw your holiday cash...away? (Frigging "away". That was almost a perfect rhyming sentence.) Then follow these quick unfunny tips!
1. Alcohol
It's expensive. I'm not sure how expensive, because I am old and out of touch, but as I recall, alcohol can set you back a pretty penny. Why spend so much money on alcohol for your holiday party when you can achieve the same effects for only a fraction of the cost?
My suggestion: whip together some home-made egg nog in a large punch bowl, and then leave it in the back seat of your car in broad daylight for 12 hours before serving. By the end of the night, your guests will be delirious and vomiting just like they had planned.
2. Mistletoe
Mistletoe is the most pointless item at Christmas parties. Having mistletoe hanging over a doorway will lead to three scenarios:
a.) Guy and girl see that they're under mistletoe, and they're either already a couple or have been flirting all night and were going to kiss each other at some point anyway, so they kiss each other.
b.) Guy and girl see that they're under mistletoe, but they don't like each other, so they just stand awkwardly for a few seconds before moving on.
c.) Two guys see that they're under mistletoe, and then make a quick gay joke and then walk away from each other. ("Hey I guess we should kiss now, right? HA HA HA! I'm just kidding! Only queers do that! HA HA HA! Well I better get going!")
My whole point is that nothing happens with mistletoe that wouldn't already happen ordinarily. I can see how it's a cute idea, and I'd like it if it actually worked and helped hook up some unlikely couples...but realistically, it just gives people who were already going to kiss an excuse to kiss, and people who aren't going to kiss an excuse to feel weird for a little while.
Instead of paying two or three bucks for mistletoe, try to designate one person to periodically shout out "[two random names] have to kiss now!". And then the two people named will react as if they had just met underneath the mistletoe.
3. Christmas Lights
Waste of money. Here's what you're gonna wanna do. Step one: put gummi bear in mouth for five seconds. Step two: take gummi bear out of mouth and place on standard light fixture. Step three: repeat. You'll get the same beautiful colors and the same beautiful lighting effects, but it will cost less(or more, depending on which brand of gummi bears you get. But even if it costs more, you'll be able to peel them off at the end of the party and eat them. So no big deal).
Labels: blog, christmas, competition, duel, jeff
