...seriously though, what the heck is this?

Sorry to post non-comedy on my comedy blog, but while I'm on the subject of my car, last Saturday during a small snowstorm I snapped a picture of...my car.

I was somewhat alarmed by what I saw. Check it out: "Survey says!"

Two X's! What in the world does this mean? I've never seen snow form like this on my car. As far as I could tell, no X's were formed anywhere else. Was this the devil himself trying to send some kind of scary warning message to me? One more strike, and the Johnsons will get a chance to steal!

Are there any scientists out there who want to ruin the fun by telling me what's going on?

And since you're answering my question, tell me what else is going on. Are you ok? It's been so long since we've talked, I mean really talked. I've been busy lately. I'm sorry--I really miss you. Yes YOU.

Expiration Date Guide

I was rummaging around in my car and I found a gallon of milk on the floor of the back seat(among other things).

As you can see, it expired on Christmas Eve. It's been sitting in my car for over a month. Surprisingly, it has not spoiled to the point where I can smell it inside the car.

I didn't throw it away. I think I am just going to let it ride and see what happens.

I know this is a crappy segue, but seeing expired milk that doesn't smell bad yet gave me an idea to write a handy guide regarding expiration labels. Here you go:

Expiration Date Guide

"Sell By" Date

The "sell by" date is often confused with the "use by" date. In actuality, the "sell by" date is simply a guideline for grocers to keep an item stocked on their shelves. If it's not sold by the date stamped on the carton, the product is replaced with something fresher. This doesn't necessarily mean that the product has spoiled. Milk, for instance, will typically will stay fresh for 5-7 days after the "sell by" date.

"Use By" Date

Much more straightforward, the "use by" date is the last day that the manufacturer can guarantee freshness. Although there still may be a 1-2 day period after the date printed where you can technically consume the product without getting sick, neither the manufacturer nor the retailer can guarantee freshness after this date. (This is also sometimes listed as a "Best Before" date.)

"Digest By" Date

This is the absolute latest date that the manufacturer recommends completing digestion of their product. Typically there will be no problems if you eat or drink it one night before the date printed on the label, but you may want to give it two days just in case of some unforseen intenstinal blockage.

"You Might Want To Disguise The Flavor With Some Chocolate Syrup On Or Around" Date

When using milk with a "You Might Want To Disguise The Flavor With Some Chocolate Syrup On Or Around" date, it's important to remember that the milk technically expires two or three days before the date printed on the label. If you reach the "chocolate milk" date and want to drink it plain or just use it for cereal, then you might as well throw it away. You will only enjoy this milk with a very heavy dose of flavored syrup. It also may work for baking.

"Don't Forget To Watch CSI On" Date

This date actually has nothing to do with the freshness of your milk, and is just a paid advertisement for CBS network encouraging viewers to watch the next episode of CSI.

"This Is Just Here To Confuse You" Date

This date has nothing to do with the freshness of your item, and sometimes is not even a date. Sometimes it will be a random string of letters and numbers, often containing a question mark. There's nothing else printed on the label, though, so you will sit there trying to decipher it, hoping in vain that you will be able to figure out when this food is supposed to expire.

Other times it will be a vague date like "07/07" where you're not sure if it expires on July 7th of this year or if it expired in the month of July in the year of 2007.

I hope this guide has been helpful for you. I'm sure you agree that it would be more convenient if there were a universal standard for dating milk cartons and other items, so that it's always clear when to use it and when to toss it. Unfortunately, there are just too many competing dairy providers, and at this point they just haven't come together to produce an industry standard.

Just pay attention to the labels, and remember: when in doubt, throw it out! Unless you have kids, because kids don't know the difference.

xoxoxoxo, Jeff

Humiliation. Rejection. Pain.

[posted by Jeff]

You know, I'm not an easily embarassed guy. All throughout my life, I have done things that many people would consider "humiliating". I've made Jack Tripper-like pratfalls in front of large audiences. I've forgotten how to ride a bike. (everyone says once you learn, you never forget. Well I forgot, ok??) I've peed in plastic bushes in hotel lobbies. I've been caught singing along to Anne Murray CDs. This is the tip of the iceberg, people.

I could literally go on for hours. I am an embarassing guy. Ask any girl who has spent more than five minutes with me--I am embarassing. I have embarassing fashion sense, I have an embarassing car, my behavior is embarassing--I just have an embarassing aura about me. If a girl is hanging out with me, everyone else just feels embarassed for her.

...and yet, I personally have never felt embarassed. I mean, so what if I got blueberry pie stains on my one good dress-up shirt just before my wedding? It's MY wedding. I can do what I want. I don't care what other people think. So what if this is the third day in a row I've worn this underwear? If you're close enough to me (physically) to notice this, then you should be close enough to me (emotionally) to not care. I am not ashamed, ok? I just don't FEEL embarassed. No amount of shame will ever cause me to feel the humilation that so many other people feel for me.

...

...until yesterday.



My car got rejected.

Oh the humiliation. Oh the pain! I have never felt like such a failure in all my life. There is nothing more humiliating than driving around with this obnoxious pink automobile equivalent to the dunce cap. I can feel all the cars around me staring at me. I'm not kidding when I say that I now drive with my sunvisor all the way down, even when it's not sunny out--I'll do anything to even partially cover up my face. I don't want people to see me. I just want to drive into a hole and die.

I saw a group of teenage girls in my neighborhood, and became extremely embarassed. I kept hoping that they wouldn't notice me...but I think they did. I never cared what teenage girls thought about me back when I was a teenager, but now that I'm a grown adult with a wife and kids, I am really afraid that they will see my rejection sticker and think I'm a huge dork. I had considered turning on my windshield wipers, maybe to obscure the pink sticker, or at least provide something else to look at so that they won't notice my failure. In the end, I decided not to. I mean, what if I'm blowing this out of proportion and nobody really notices rejection stickers? Turning on my windshield wipers might just bring more unwanted attention.

I want everyone to keep in mind that this is a 2006 car, with no visible problems. I see hunks of crap driving around all freaking day, and somehow they pass inspection without any problems at all. I bet you're wondering why my car didn't pass inspection. (I bet you're also wondering why I keep calling it "my" car when it's really my wife's. Well shut up.) You are wondering why it didn't pass inspection, right? Ok, I'll tell you.

"Airbag light". According to the car inspection guy who called me, it didn't pass because the airbag light stays on. A car cannot pass its state inspection if a warning light like that stays on.
I couldn't believe it. And I don't mean I was incredulous, I mean I honestly did not believe it! I had never seen the airbag light come on. My wife had never seen it come on. So I walked to the car inspection place(about 10 minutes from my work) to see what was what.

"So this 'airbag light'...that's just one of those lights on the dash, right? It's not in some hidden location where I wouldn't be able to see it?" I asked. The cashier guy confirmed that it would be right in front of me, easily noticeable. So I paid $16, and walked out to my car to go illegally drive my car home. I started the car, and guess what? No airbag light!

I went back inside to tell the guy. He followed me out to my car, and watched me start it up. Sure enough, no airbag light.

"Try driving it around a little bit to see if it comes on." he suggested.

Did it.

No airbag light.

Can I have my inspection sticker now?

"Sorry, the guy who inspected your car isn't here anymore. He left for the day. You'll have to bring it back tomorrow morning to have him look at it and confirm it's ok."

You've got to be kidding me. I got there less than 20 minutes after they finished inspecting the car! Why did he leave so suddenly? The car obviously doesn't have an airbag light that stays on(it comes on briefly when you first start the car, which is normal...but then it goes off). Why would they put me through this? Why would they humiliate me like this?

And for those of you who are thinking "they're just a bunch of lying greedy thieves", I want to point out that they could not fix my airbag light problem anyway. They said I'd have to take it to my dealer. And they even offered to re-inspect the car for free, once I have it fixed. The mechanic people seemed to be very nice. But why oh why would they reject my perfectly good car?

So now I have two kids with me and I have to go get my car looked at by some idiot who probably just confused the "seatbelt not on" light with the airbag light. And it'll probably take a million freaking hours because it's Memorial Day Weekend.

Jeffrey is so sad.