Do These People Still Exist?

Here is a list of people/characters who may or may not still exist. They may or may not have ever existed. I'm just not sure.

National Lampoon Fan

"Dude, did you hear they're making a sequel to Van Wilder? It's going to ROCK. It's going to be straight-to-video. I can't wait. I actually like the straight-to-video movies better than the theatrical releases. The direct-to-video medium really gives the NL writers a chance to be truly creative, rather than having to pander to the mass-audience theater-goers. Hey, wanna watch Dorm Daze with me again?"

Guy Who Insists Urban Legend Is True Despite Being Shown Evidence To The Contrary

"No, I'm telling you--this really happened! The student totally gave a wise-ass answer on his mid-term and ended up getting the only A in the class. I know the guy this happened to. I can even call him if you want.

…….look, I'm not denying that it's a well-known story. But it had to have come from somewhere, right? I know the person that this actually originally happened to."

Semi-Bigot With No Follow Through

"Hey, how come they have a black history month but not a white history month? Am I right? I should petition to have a white history class taught in high school. Wouldn't that be funny? I think we should have a straight pride parade. I'm serious, I think I'm going to organize a parade for straight white people.

[Years pass; nothing is ever done.]

…hey, don't you guys think we should have a white history month? I think I might just start one myself. How come we don't have any 'great moments in white history' PSAs? Wouldn't that be something?"

Comedian Who Refuses To Apologize For Being Offensive Who Never Actually Gets Around To Being Offensive

"Oh and by the way, for you 'family values' folks—if you are 'offended' just because of 'scary bad words' that you hear during my jokes, let me tell you something: There are REAL people who die EVERY DAY.

[Audience applauds, as they are young hip people who are never offended by anything anyway.]

So before you start getting your PANTIES IN A KNOT over SIMPLE WORDS, why don't you get off your BUTT and DO SOMETHING about the REAL attrocities in this world like murder and rape instead of COMPLAINING to your Soccer Mom Friends about 'the bad bad man who says bad words on the stage'?

[One hour later; exactly zero jokes are told.]

I'm exercising my FIRST AMENDMENT right, and if you are offended then maybe you should just LEAVE and go watch a Disney movie. I'm not here to give you some Full House BS feel-good lesson about pink roses and daffodils. I'm here to TELL IT LIKE IT IS and if you don't like it, then go the hell home you lousy excuse for a human being!

[Audience continues to applaud, evidently thrilled over 'sticking it' to some uptight easily-offended guy in the audience who doesn't even exist.]