Dear McDonalds, Part One

Whenever I eat a can of Chef Boyardee Ravioli, I read the label and see the quality guarantee where it urges me to mail in the "unused portion" for a full refund if I find the product to be less-than-satisfactory.

As much as I like the idea of stuffing pasta filled with meat-paste into a plain white envelope and mailing it to some unsuspecting mailboy who makes minimum wage for ConAgra Foods, I like even better the idea of a company giving me free money just for complaining about their shoddy product.

Chef Boyardee doesn't have deep enough pockets for my liking, so I've decided on another target: McDonalds. I have written a letter of complaint with a demand of free money. Hopefully they will be customer-oriented enough to write back to me and give me something for me trouble.

Here is the letter that I have mailed to them:

-----------------------------

^{Dear McDonalds,}

^{It was 12:02 P.M. on Wednesday April 23rd, 2008 when I walked into the McDonalds across from Food Lion on Route 2 in Bowling Green, Virginia. I walked out less than an hour later, having gone through the worst customer service experience in my entire 46 years of living.}

A little background: I had taken the day off of work so that I could devote the day to getting some spring cleaning done. My wife and children spent much of the morning pulling weeds out of our garden, and as such were extremely hungry.

Now I may not be a rich man, but I do provide for my family, and we make do with what we have. When my oldest son told me that he was hungry for a meal at a real restaurant, I told him that we would take him to McDonalds for a Double Cheeseburger from the Dollar Menu.

Considering the limitations of my income, I knew that I would need to use coupons to help pay for our meal. I went upstairs and grabbed all of the coupons that I had collected over the past two years from my top-right dresser drawer.

I had collected many coupons which I had intended to use. Some coupons were "buy one get one free", while others were of the "free sandwich with the purchase of fries and Coke" variety. No matter what discount they offered, the fine print on each said the same thing: "Cash Value 1/20 of a cent."

Let me repeat this for you, as reading comprehension is clearly a struggle for most of your employees: "Cash Value 1/20 of a cent."

When the cashier(his name was Jose, if I can trust his nametag) rang up our meal at $4.34, I gladly paid him with three one-dollar bills, one quarter, nine pennies, and two thousand coupons. The cash value of these coupons, again, would be one-twentieth of a cent, and therefore my coupons should equal up to be a dollar if my arithmetic is correct.

Jose looked at my stacks of coupons with great confusion, as if he were a small child watching two men engaging in intercourse for the first time. He picked up the top coupon and told me that the coupon says "only one coupon per person, per visit". I explained to him that this disclaimer is only for redemption of the discount listed on the coupon. The cash value of the coupon itself should not be affected by this disclaimer.

He brought out the Assistant Manager(Irene) who was followed by who I presume was the real Manager(I believe her name was Bonnie). Both members of the supervisorial staff smelled as if they had been rolling around in Filet-o-Fish patties for the better half of their shift, but that is neither here nor there.

I was quite irritated when Bonnie pointed out that most of the coupons had expired. Again, it is true that the discounts listed on the coupons had expired, but the cash value itself should still not be affected. This is legal tender and as such should never expire.

I argued with her for nearly an hour. I was frustrated and my children were on the brink of tears. The stubborn-headedness of your employees caused the line to slow down considerably, causing many patrons after me to express their frustration.

One family seated nearby actually offered to pay for our meal. I angrily told them where to go: hell. While I am not happy that I became angry with a family who was only trying to help, you must understand my frustration with being treated like a charity case when I did indeed have the proper funds to pay for our meal.

I did not take my family to McDonalds to be felt sorry for, and I did not take them to McDonalds to be treated like garbage by your ugly pudding-faced employees. Would Ray Krock approve of such treatment?

We may not be rich enough to eat at your restaurant every day, or even on a monthly basis, but we still deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Going to McDonalds used to be a real treat for us. Now we do not wish to ever eat at your restaurant again.

I demand a written apology, as well as assurance that my coupons will be accepted in the future if you ever want my business again.

In addition, I also insist that you give me $25.00 in Gift Certificates. Not the reloadable Arch Cards, because I never know if I can trust them--I like the tactile nature of actual gift certificates. This is a small price to pay considering the pain and regret that your business has put me and my children through.

I eagerly await your reply. Please do not keep me waiting.

Sincerely,

Jeff

-----------------------

I will let this blog know as soon as McDonalds responds to my inquiry.