How Hilary Clinton Can Appeal To Female Voters
Has anyone been following politics?
*chirp chirp*
...no? Yeah, neither have I. But I've been following the cartoons in the political section of the newspaper. (Cartoons are my only source of news.) And let me tell you, we have a wild one on our hands, folks! Blacks versus females, Mormons versus Huckabees, cats versus dogs and who knows what else will happen?
Apparently Hilary Clinton was doing really well, but then people figured out that she's tough and bossy and not attractive like other women you know. So then Obama rose to the top. But then! But then Hilary cried on national television! And females everywhere said "awww...she cries just like I cry! I can relate to her, being a female. I will vote for her."
So now Hilary is doing well again, because she struck a cord with the female voting audience. Good for her!
But this race ain't over, folks, nosiree, it ain't over by a long shot! If Hilary is going to pull this thing out, she's going to have to continue to court to female voters. "Pull this thing out"? That's what SHE said!
*chirp chirp*
...seriously, who keeps chirping? Cut it out. It's obnoxious.
So how exactly is Hilary going to reach out to female voters? Here's how:
How Hilary Clinton Can Appeal To Female Voters
1. Respond to all attacks during a debate by menstruating on stage.
2. Have a baby. She can point out that she respects the right to choose, but that she is going to CHOOSE to keep the baby and raise it on her own. It will be both empowering and PC.
3. Give away a car and a copy of her book to each audience member.
4. Dump a nice nerdy guy so that she can go out with some obnoxious rednecky guy who will end up cheating on her.
5. Talk about how she's fat and wishes she could look thin and beautiful like John Edwards.
6. If John Edwards comes back with "yeah right, honey--have you seen me in a swimsuit lately?", respond with "no, no, seriously, you look great!". (Sincerity is key, here. If she looks like she's being catty, or if it looks like she's just fishing for a compliment herself, it could spell the end of the campaign for her.)
7. Look lost and confused when people start talking about politics. Try to steer the conversation to shopping or boys.
8. Get a tattoo to get back at over-controlling father, and then regret it.
9. Spend at least three hours getting ready for a simple press conference. Hilary, this conference is only going to last a half hour and only the Rhode Island press is going to see it. You don't need to spend this much time putting on make-up. Can we please just hurry up and go? Please, we're late and I still need to take a shower. Can you please come out of the bathroom now?
10. PILLOW FIGHT!!!
*chirp chirp*
...no? Yeah, neither have I. But I've been following the cartoons in the political section of the newspaper. (Cartoons are my only source of news.) And let me tell you, we have a wild one on our hands, folks! Blacks versus females, Mormons versus Huckabees, cats versus dogs and who knows what else will happen?
Apparently Hilary Clinton was doing really well, but then people figured out that she's tough and bossy and not attractive like other women you know. So then Obama rose to the top. But then! But then Hilary cried on national television! And females everywhere said "awww...she cries just like I cry! I can relate to her, being a female. I will vote for her."
So now Hilary is doing well again, because she struck a cord with the female voting audience. Good for her!
But this race ain't over, folks, nosiree, it ain't over by a long shot! If Hilary is going to pull this thing out, she's going to have to continue to court to female voters. "Pull this thing out"? That's what SHE said!
*chirp chirp*
...seriously, who keeps chirping? Cut it out. It's obnoxious.
So how exactly is Hilary going to reach out to female voters? Here's how:
How Hilary Clinton Can Appeal To Female Voters
1. Respond to all attacks during a debate by menstruating on stage.
2. Have a baby. She can point out that she respects the right to choose, but that she is going to CHOOSE to keep the baby and raise it on her own. It will be both empowering and PC.
3. Give away a car and a copy of her book to each audience member.
4. Dump a nice nerdy guy so that she can go out with some obnoxious rednecky guy who will end up cheating on her.
5. Talk about how she's fat and wishes she could look thin and beautiful like John Edwards.
6. If John Edwards comes back with "yeah right, honey--have you seen me in a swimsuit lately?", respond with "no, no, seriously, you look great!". (Sincerity is key, here. If she looks like she's being catty, or if it looks like she's just fishing for a compliment herself, it could spell the end of the campaign for her.)
7. Look lost and confused when people start talking about politics. Try to steer the conversation to shopping or boys.
8. Get a tattoo to get back at over-controlling father, and then regret it.
9. Spend at least three hours getting ready for a simple press conference. Hilary, this conference is only going to last a half hour and only the Rhode Island press is going to see it. You don't need to spend this much time putting on make-up. Can we please just hurry up and go? Please, we're late and I still need to take a shower. Can you please come out of the bathroom now?
10. PILLOW FIGHT!!!
Labels: attempted mainstream, girls, jeff, politics
posted by johnqcasual at
12:10 PM
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