And Then A Smidgeon of Obama And Romney Humor Just For Good Measure

[Setting: Obama Campaign Headquarters]

Obama: This is outrageous. THIS is what it takes to get votes these days? Having some chumps make a stupid sign and spout sexist rhetoric?

Campaign Manager: Yes sir, Mr. Obama. Absolutely, yes sir.

Obama: And then her weak-sauce response! This kind of crap made me lose New Hampshire. We need to combat this.

Campaign Manager: I was thinking the same thing myself, sir. Oh yes, why certainly!

Obama: Listen, fool--at my next pep rally, I need you to pretend to be a racist heckler in the crowd. Got it? Make an offensive sign, wear a white hood--I don't care what you do, just go and say whatever offensive things come to mind.

Campaign Manager: I am absolutely positive that this is a good idea, sir. Thank you for thinking of it.

Obama: You'll say something racist, the audience boos, and then I'll say something clever like "welcome to the 1950's!" and then the audience will chuckle and then I will be a hero and win the sympathy vote. It's perfect!

Campaign Manager: You stole the words right out of my mouth! It's perfect!

[Later, at the next scheduled public appearance.]

Obama: ...and that's why we need change in the White House!

[Audience cheers.]

Campaign Manager: Boooooo! I don't like the color of this guy's skin! Boooooo!

[Holds up a sign that says "White House, Not Black House".]

Audience Member: Oh my gosh, that guy is a racist! Get him!

[Campaign Manager gets mobbed.]

Obama: Wait, wait! I have something clever to say about his outdated attitudes!

[Crowd doesn't listen and continues to beat the Campaign Manager to death.]

Obama: ...well thanks a lot you freaking idiots. You just killed my campaign manager. Way to go. You've ruined my campaign. Idiots.

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[Meanwhile, in Mitt Romney's campaign headquarters(undoubtedly located inside of the Salt Lake City Mormon Temple)...]

Romney: Unbelievable! Are you telling me all it takes is a bigot heckler to garner sympathy votes to win an election? Why the heck didn't we think of this before?

Campaign Manager: Yes sir, Mr. Romney sir.

Romney: Listen, Campaign Manager. I want you to pose as an anti-mormon protester and heckle me during my next speech. Then I'll come back with something clever like "My friend, I respect your viewpoint but I believe that the constitution specifically forbids having a religious test for candidacy of office!" and then the audience will respond with a smattering of applause and then my beautiful Hollywood-esque face will be displayed all over Fox News as they show how I can stand in the face of bigotry and still be presidential. Got it?

Campaign Manager: You are as brilliant as you are handsome, sir.

[Later, at the next campaign speech.]

Romney: ...and that's why we need change in the White House! Thank you!

[Crowd cheers.]

Campaign Manager: Booooooo! Get this guy off the stage! He worships satan! Mormons worship Satan!

[Silence from audience.]

Audience member: ...is that true?

Romney: ...um...well...no! Of course not.

[Audience murmurs, as if they aren't quite sure...but then slowly they change to a collective murmur of approval.]

Romney: *wipes brow with hankerchief* Whew.

Campaign Manager: ...he's lying!

[Audience starts murmuring again.]

Audience Member: I don't know if I can vote for this guy...

[Rest of audience murmurs in agreement.]

Romney: No, wait! Come on, guys!

[Crowd begins to leave.]

Romney: Don't leave! What if I provide some non-denominational pro-faith soundbites? Come on! Don't do this, people! "Without faith, we have nothing!" Eh? Come on!

[Auditorium is now empty, except for Romney and the campaign manager.]

Campaign Manager: Great speech, Mr. Romney! This should give you a real boost in the key early-state polls!

The End

[And now I'm done doing political humor. Sorry if it was boring. I'll never do it again.]