Telephun!
[posted by Jeff]
The following is a true story. And when I say "true story", I don't mean "I'm just saying it's true so that it will surprise you when I tell you something completely absurd and untrue", as I often do. I mean that this story is actually true.
The phone rang last night. The caller ID said "Great Eastern Resort". Or something like that. It probably didn't say that exactly, because there's not enough letters on my caller ID. I think it may have been "Great Estrn Resor...". But that's not important. The important thing is that it was a business-like name, and not the name of a friend(otherwise I would have just ignored it, because I am a jerk to all of my friends). So I answer the phone and a conversation follows:
Me: Hello?
Phone lady: Hello Mr. Henry?
Me: Yes.
Phone lady: Hello Mr. Henry my name is garbled mess of syllables.
Me: Hi.
Phone lady: I'm calling on behalf of Great Eastern Resorts. I'm sure you listened to the message we left on your answering machine earlier today.
Me: I got no such message. [I don't check messages. That's woman work.]
Phone lady: ...Well I'm sure you remember filling out a survey form at Virginia Commons Mall where you had a chance to win a free vacation package. We are happy to tell you that your entry was selected and that you have won a free vacation. I am just calling you to discuss how to pick up this vacation package.
[Background info: I did indeed fill out a little survey card at the mall, a long while back. As I recall, it was pretty cut and dry. It basically just asked to list your name and number, and they would get back to you with a "timeshare offer" where you get to spend a free weekend in glamorous Williamsburg, Virginia in exchange for having a salesperson talk to you for a few hours. I love timeshare presentations, so I filled out the card. I'm not sure why they changed their sales pitch from "listen to this timeshare presentation and get a free vacation" to "you've just won a free vacation! (...you just have to listen to this timeshare presentation)". I doubt they're fooling anybody, especially since they're calling people who have already filled out a survey card which was much more straightforward.]
Me: Yes, that rings a bell. I love free vacations, so let's get started!
Phone Lady: Is your wife available?
Me: My wife is busy right now. Don't worry, you can talk to me.
Phone Lady: ......
Me: Hmm?
Phone Lady: I'm sorry sir I was talking to my manager. My manager has just informed me that in order to discuss the free vacation package we will need to speak with both you and your wife.
Me: Weird.
Phone Lady: Would you be able to put your wife on a three-way call?
Me: Nope. I mean, she's right here. She's in the same room as me. She's just watching TV. Do you need to talk to her?
Phone Lady: I'm sorry sir we would need you both present at the same time.
Me: We're both here.
Phone Lady: Even if you are the main decision maker in the house my manager says we can only discuss the vacation package if both parties are able to listen to us on the phone at the same time.
Me: Ok, well can I put the phone between us? That way, we can both hear, and you'd be able to hear both of us.
Phone Lady: That would be awfully uncomfortable wouldn't it?
[Did I mention that Phone Lady doesn't speak with commas? Every sentence is spoken very flatly, with no emphasis on any particular word.]
Me: Not really. I mean, we're both sitting on the couch. I could just put the phone in between us. It's a pretty loud phone, we should be able to hear you.
Phone Lady: [I can't remember what she said here, but effectively she told me no, that I wouldn't be able to put the phone between us. She kept insisting that I perform a three-way call.]
Me: This is the only phone in the house. Why don't we just do speaker phone?
Phone Lady: No sir I am sorry but I am in a call center environment where our phone systems have trouble picking up reception when people use speaker phone.
[This made no sense to me.]
Me: Hold on, let me just try it.
[I then pressed the number 5 on my telephone, and pretended as if I had put myself on speaker phone.]
Me: Hello? Ok, I'm on speaker phone now.
Phone Lady: Hello? Mr. Henry?
Me: Hello! Can you hear me?
Phone Lady: Mr. Henry I can't hear you!
Me: How about now? I'm on speaker phone. I'm speaking directly into the phone. Can you hear me?
Phone Lady: Hello? Mr. Henry? Are you there?
[I want to point out how fake she sounded, here. She didn't even speak over my lines. She would wait for me to finish talking, and then give me the "huh? I can't hear anything!" routine.]
Me: Ok, this isn't working. Let me get off of speaker phone.
[I then pressed the 5 button again, and pretended I was no longer on speaker phone.]
Me: Ok, can you hear me now?
Phone Lady: Mr. Henry there you are! Mr. Henry where did you go?
Me: I'm sorry, I put myself on speaker phone for a few seconds.
Phone Lady: Speaker phone? But Mr. Henry! I just told you that speaker phones don't work in my call center environment!
[You have no idea how hilariously phony she sounded, here.]
Me: Actually I wasn't really on speaker phone. I just pressed the number 5 to see what you'd do.
Phone Lady: .......
Me: And you totally BS'd me. Why did you lie to me like that?
[I wasn't being mean or confrontational in tone. I was honestly curious. Why the heck would she do that?]
Phone Lady: Thank you for your time Mr. Henry I must get going now.
Me: You're an idiot.
Phone Lady: *click*
And then my wife got mad at me for calling her an idiot(she doesn't like "angry Jeff", even though I was not at all angry when I said that). But what else would you call somebody like that?
The End.
The following is a true story. And when I say "true story", I don't mean "I'm just saying it's true so that it will surprise you when I tell you something completely absurd and untrue", as I often do. I mean that this story is actually true.
The phone rang last night. The caller ID said "Great Eastern Resort". Or something like that. It probably didn't say that exactly, because there's not enough letters on my caller ID. I think it may have been "Great Estrn Resor...". But that's not important. The important thing is that it was a business-like name, and not the name of a friend(otherwise I would have just ignored it, because I am a jerk to all of my friends). So I answer the phone and a conversation follows:
Me: Hello?
Phone lady: Hello Mr. Henry?
Me: Yes.
Phone lady: Hello Mr. Henry my name is garbled mess of syllables.
Me: Hi.
Phone lady: I'm calling on behalf of Great Eastern Resorts. I'm sure you listened to the message we left on your answering machine earlier today.
Me: I got no such message. [I don't check messages. That's woman work.]
Phone lady: ...Well I'm sure you remember filling out a survey form at Virginia Commons Mall where you had a chance to win a free vacation package. We are happy to tell you that your entry was selected and that you have won a free vacation. I am just calling you to discuss how to pick up this vacation package.
[Background info: I did indeed fill out a little survey card at the mall, a long while back. As I recall, it was pretty cut and dry. It basically just asked to list your name and number, and they would get back to you with a "timeshare offer" where you get to spend a free weekend in glamorous Williamsburg, Virginia in exchange for having a salesperson talk to you for a few hours. I love timeshare presentations, so I filled out the card. I'm not sure why they changed their sales pitch from "listen to this timeshare presentation and get a free vacation" to "you've just won a free vacation! (...you just have to listen to this timeshare presentation)". I doubt they're fooling anybody, especially since they're calling people who have already filled out a survey card which was much more straightforward.]
Me: Yes, that rings a bell. I love free vacations, so let's get started!
Phone Lady: Is your wife available?
Me: My wife is busy right now. Don't worry, you can talk to me.
Phone Lady: ......
Me: Hmm?
Phone Lady: I'm sorry sir I was talking to my manager. My manager has just informed me that in order to discuss the free vacation package we will need to speak with both you and your wife.
Me: Weird.
Phone Lady: Would you be able to put your wife on a three-way call?
Me: Nope. I mean, she's right here. She's in the same room as me. She's just watching TV. Do you need to talk to her?
Phone Lady: I'm sorry sir we would need you both present at the same time.
Me: We're both here.
Phone Lady: Even if you are the main decision maker in the house my manager says we can only discuss the vacation package if both parties are able to listen to us on the phone at the same time.
Me: Ok, well can I put the phone between us? That way, we can both hear, and you'd be able to hear both of us.
Phone Lady: That would be awfully uncomfortable wouldn't it?
[Did I mention that Phone Lady doesn't speak with commas? Every sentence is spoken very flatly, with no emphasis on any particular word.]
Me: Not really. I mean, we're both sitting on the couch. I could just put the phone in between us. It's a pretty loud phone, we should be able to hear you.
Phone Lady: [I can't remember what she said here, but effectively she told me no, that I wouldn't be able to put the phone between us. She kept insisting that I perform a three-way call.]
Me: This is the only phone in the house. Why don't we just do speaker phone?
Phone Lady: No sir I am sorry but I am in a call center environment where our phone systems have trouble picking up reception when people use speaker phone.
[This made no sense to me.]
Me: Hold on, let me just try it.
[I then pressed the number 5 on my telephone, and pretended as if I had put myself on speaker phone.]
Me: Hello? Ok, I'm on speaker phone now.
Phone Lady: Hello? Mr. Henry?
Me: Hello! Can you hear me?
Phone Lady: Mr. Henry I can't hear you!
Me: How about now? I'm on speaker phone. I'm speaking directly into the phone. Can you hear me?
Phone Lady: Hello? Mr. Henry? Are you there?
[I want to point out how fake she sounded, here. She didn't even speak over my lines. She would wait for me to finish talking, and then give me the "huh? I can't hear anything!" routine.]
Me: Ok, this isn't working. Let me get off of speaker phone.
[I then pressed the 5 button again, and pretended I was no longer on speaker phone.]
Me: Ok, can you hear me now?
Phone Lady: Mr. Henry there you are! Mr. Henry where did you go?
Me: I'm sorry, I put myself on speaker phone for a few seconds.
Phone Lady: Speaker phone? But Mr. Henry! I just told you that speaker phones don't work in my call center environment!
[You have no idea how hilariously phony she sounded, here.]
Me: Actually I wasn't really on speaker phone. I just pressed the number 5 to see what you'd do.
Phone Lady: .......
Me: And you totally BS'd me. Why did you lie to me like that?
[I wasn't being mean or confrontational in tone. I was honestly curious. Why the heck would she do that?]
Phone Lady: Thank you for your time Mr. Henry I must get going now.
Me: You're an idiot.
Phone Lady: *click*
And then my wife got mad at me for calling her an idiot(she doesn't like "angry Jeff", even though I was not at all angry when I said that). But what else would you call somebody like that?
The End.
Labels: jeff, telemarketers, vacation
3 Comments:
Jeff, I wasn't going to read this post because you already told me the story, but then I did. Well, I laughed all through reading it even though I had heard the story before. You are a clever writer and you are so kind to always engage telemarketers.
I'd sure like to see what "Angry Jeff" looks like.
That was awesome! I think you just sign up for timeshares so you can mess with telemarketers.
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