Alarming New Trends

Over the past few days, I've been noticing some trends that are, frankly, alarming. They aren't the worst things in the world, and maybe we shouldn't panic over them...but they are definitely cause for alarm.

1. Fast Food Contest "Codes"

Remember the good old days, when fast food places would have contests, and you'd buy an extra large order of fries and then be able to pull off a little sticker that says "sorry, you are not an instant winner. try again"? Those were fun. Sure, most of the time you lost, but every once in a while you'd get a free breakfast item or a free small soda(which you would then put in your wallet and then forget about until it's too late to redeem them). It was fun. It was exciting.

Now everyone is all about "codes". You peel off a sticker, or open a soda bottle cap, and then check to see if you won. Did you? You have no idea! All you get is a random series of numbers and letters, with instructions to go to their confusing website to figure out how to sign up for an account, give away all of your personal information, and then find out that you didn't win crap(but don't worry, you can still download a Dairy Queen Kids Club desktop wallpaper).

I wonder how many prizes have gone unclaimed since they switched to the code system? Can you imagine the odds of the one person who gets the grand-prize-winning one-million-dollar game piece actually going online to put in their code?

To be fair, McDonalds still does their Monopoly thing every once in a while, which I don't think uses codes. (I could be wrong, though. Either way, I never get to play anyway because I only buy from the dollar menu).

2. Toothbrushes that are too big for my toothbrush holder.

Can somebody from the toothbrush industry tell me what the heck happened? Toothbrushes used to be so slender. I could drop them into the holes in my toothbrush holder with absolutely no problems. But now toothbrushes have obnoxiously thick rubber grips on them. Unless you buy a cheapo "travel toothbrush", which are still using old-school "smooth plastic with little ridges in it to help you keep a hold of it" technology. That's great and all, but if you buy travel toothbrushes, then you no longer have the latest in bristle technology. No cross-bristle action, no "cut at an angle to keep your teeth cleaner somehow", no blue line to tell you when you've brushed too dang much. You might as well just wrap up your fingers in an old t-shirt and brush your teeth with that.

Here's a picture of my toothbrush holder:



Isn't that sad? If it weren't for the fact that my toothbrush holder is made from solid granite, it would topple over just from the weight of the toothbrushes. I just don't understand why the rubber grips are so thick, now. I bet toothbrush companies think we're all a bunch of bumbling morons who keep dropping our toothbrushes as if it's a wet bar of soap.

...I guess they'd be right. I can't hold on to my old fashioned plastic-grip toothbrushes for more than five seconds. Brushing my teeth used to take hours. One time it slipped out of my fingers and into my mouth--like popping a peanut out of its skin--I ended up swallowing the damn thing. Molly had to call 911. Doctors said it was the damndest thing they ever saw. Maybe the focus of my anger should be the toothbrush holder industry, rather than the toothbrush industry. I mean, toothbrush holders have been pretty much the same since day one. Same sized holes, no new features. Why aren't they keeping up with today's trends? I'm not using my father's toothbrush--why shold I have to use his toothbrush holder? (I'm not literally using my father's toothbrush holder, I'm just making the point that the toothbrush holder industry is old fashioned and too set in their ways. Using my father's toothbrush would be really gross.)

3. "Phenyliketonurics: Contains Phenylalanine"

I'm not sure what this means, but it scares the hell out of me. I see this on diet soda cans, as well as sugar free gum. I guess it has something to do with the sugar-substitute they are using. I don't mean to go all "health nut" on you, but what in the world are people doing, putting this crap into their body?

"Phenyliketonurics: Contains Phenylalanine". I don't even know how to pronounce it. I had to look at this diet soda can about twenty times just to accurately spell it in this blog.

"Phenyliketonurics: Contains Phenylalanine". No joke--that is the most frightening thing I have ever seen on a food label. It sounds like a warning I would see on some prescription-only brand of medicated ear wax dissolvent. You'd have to be a psychopath to want to ingest this garbage.