computer president '80
(by Andy)
Damn you, Jeff. Well before you wrote your political stuff, I was gonna write something about how a computer president would totally solve all the political problems in this country and compare him to politicians. I guess there's room for 2 (but no more) people to talk about politics.
So I've been pushing this "computer president" idea since probably about 2000 and I think it's finally starting to gather steam. Initially, people were skeptical because they say that computers can't love and couldn't process all the various important intricacies of the human condition but then I explained to them that the computer would have a special baby kissing apparatus (so it could love babies) and it would be like a very, very big computer (so it could deal with all the intricacies).
Another argument people always made was that we understand how people think but not how a computer thinks. But I barely understand what George W. Bush is saying let alone thinking, if he is thinking at all (zing!). And we would build the computer president ourselves so we would understand what he was thinking (sorry a female computer president could never get elected presdient, they're too emotional). Think of it this way, which do we understand better, Jefferson or the robotic Jefferson they have at Disney World? Probably the Robotic Jefferson, and Robotic Jefferson would probably not impregnate nearly as many slaves as Jefferson did.
And think of the press conferences:
Press: Mr. Computer president, what are your views on abortion?
CP: 1, sometimes 0 depending on input 1's and 0's.
People are also afraid that a computer president could be hacked. But people can be hacked too, and much more easily than computers. Here's how:
Guy: Hey, will you starve some poor people so that me and my pals can ride jet skis?
President: That would be immoral.
Guy: Oh o.k., well here are some monies and blow jobs.
President: I decree jet skis for fat cats and the end of the dollar menu!
To hack a computer, you have to access the mainframe and we would only allow people who pressed the escape key several times and then solve some sort of riddle to do that.
Finally, there is the most difficultish, problem for any computer president: divide by zero. See, when computers divide by zero, they go crazy and do everything in their power to take over the world. The solution would be to have a computer vice president that would divide by zero any time the computer president divided by zero. That way the computer president would know that if he ever divided by zero he would have to go toe-to-toe with the computer vice president for world domination. Surely such a battle could only result in mutually assured destruction so the computer president would know never to divide by zero because computers are logical like that. Alternatively, we could just have the computer president play itself in tic-tac-toe a lot.
In short, none of the objections to computer president hold any weight. I'm planning on making some "Computer President in 2080" shirts. 2080 is just a guess because the computer president party will be run by a computer that will set logical goals for a computer president getting elected. Also, I'm not sure if 2080 is an election year but once the time is right for computer president, the time is right.
Please let me know if you want a shirt.
Damn you, Jeff. Well before you wrote your political stuff, I was gonna write something about how a computer president would totally solve all the political problems in this country and compare him to politicians. I guess there's room for 2 (but no more) people to talk about politics.
So I've been pushing this "computer president" idea since probably about 2000 and I think it's finally starting to gather steam. Initially, people were skeptical because they say that computers can't love and couldn't process all the various important intricacies of the human condition but then I explained to them that the computer would have a special baby kissing apparatus (so it could love babies) and it would be like a very, very big computer (so it could deal with all the intricacies).
Another argument people always made was that we understand how people think but not how a computer thinks. But I barely understand what George W. Bush is saying let alone thinking, if he is thinking at all (zing!). And we would build the computer president ourselves so we would understand what he was thinking (sorry a female computer president could never get elected presdient, they're too emotional). Think of it this way, which do we understand better, Jefferson or the robotic Jefferson they have at Disney World? Probably the Robotic Jefferson, and Robotic Jefferson would probably not impregnate nearly as many slaves as Jefferson did.
And think of the press conferences:
Press: Mr. Computer president, what are your views on abortion?
CP: 1, sometimes 0 depending on input 1's and 0's.
People are also afraid that a computer president could be hacked. But people can be hacked too, and much more easily than computers. Here's how:
Guy: Hey, will you starve some poor people so that me and my pals can ride jet skis?
President: That would be immoral.
Guy: Oh o.k., well here are some monies and blow jobs.
President: I decree jet skis for fat cats and the end of the dollar menu!
To hack a computer, you have to access the mainframe and we would only allow people who pressed the escape key several times and then solve some sort of riddle to do that.
Finally, there is the most difficultish, problem for any computer president: divide by zero. See, when computers divide by zero, they go crazy and do everything in their power to take over the world. The solution would be to have a computer vice president that would divide by zero any time the computer president divided by zero. That way the computer president would know that if he ever divided by zero he would have to go toe-to-toe with the computer vice president for world domination. Surely such a battle could only result in mutually assured destruction so the computer president would know never to divide by zero because computers are logical like that. Alternatively, we could just have the computer president play itself in tic-tac-toe a lot.
In short, none of the objections to computer president hold any weight. I'm planning on making some "Computer President in 2080" shirts. 2080 is just a guess because the computer president party will be run by a computer that will set logical goals for a computer president getting elected. Also, I'm not sure if 2080 is an election year but once the time is right for computer president, the time is right.
Please let me know if you want a shirt.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
Create a Link
<< Home